tears. gratitude. goals.

so i'm home now, and this is probably the hardest it's ever been for many reasons. I miss my fiance a lot, and i miss my friends soo much, i'm not quite sure what to do with myself, it's my last little bit to get to spend with my family, getting married will terrify and excite me all at the same time, i need to be a good influence on my youngest sister, i need to be kind and civil when someone else comes home, it was 12 degrees when i got of the phone, and i miss my friends and fiance so much that i cry, i got home and he started texting me just wanting to talk and was telling me about the fun that they are still having an i started to cry again for the first time since the salt lake airport, i know people won't forget about me but somewhere way deep down it still makes me sad that they might so i can't wait to hear from them! yes, i know that this sounds like a lot of complaining, but it's not, last night a very good friend of mine reminded me that it's ok to have emotions about things, good and bad, and that yes it is ok to show them and to cry about them when necessary, because it's good for you. I forgot that for a while and i'm working on it, but she was right, i can't push away my own feelings and i can't not share. BUT on the other hand...
i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends who love me so much that that's what makes it hard to leave them, i'm lucky to have a fiance who loves me so much and who is doing his best to make this easier for me, even if he hasn't quite figured out how, i'm blessed to have a wonderful family that i always know i can come home too, i'm blessed to have the opportunity to recieve the blessings of the temple soon, i'm grateful for technology whether it is a phone to text and call or a computer to skype/facebook/blog/email, which makes the distance seem not as bad, i'm grateful that i have emotions and friends who love me enough to l me cry to them, even when i think its silly, and they tell me it's ok, i'm lucky to have a fiance who i know will miss me because it's all over his face, and i'm grateful for being blessed to have the best friends a girl could ask for because they aren't the kind of people to just let go and forget about such good times and sch strong connections, and to top it all off i'm going to make goals for myself so that i stay busy, and learn new things, and take time to enjoy the break that i finally have from school....

1. read the hunger games series
2. cook a new recipe or at least something at least once a week
3. write at least 3 new songs while i'm home
4. learn a really complicated song on the guitar while i'm home
5. learn at least one more song on the piano a week
6. spend time with tabitha, especially recording songs
7. spend time and learn from my mom
8. lose 30 lbs before the wedding
9. excercise every day except for sunday
10. make sure that i talk to/stay in touch with katie, shelley, melanie, whitney, carmelite, whitley, kami and many other the best that i can
11. obviously my fiance
12. have my wedding announcements at least designed by the end of december
13...... more to come

so that is the list for now, and there will be more when i think it out more clearly on a day that is not today because today has been emotionally and physically draining, and i think that it is time to read a little and try to get some sleep.

late night thoughts

I think finals and trying to get wedding stuff done and stressing about changes and medication and losing my voice and so many things that have been going on have just made me, well really stressed, without even realizing it. I really am trying to be a good friend, roommate and fiance but i feel like i havent quite been myself the past week or so and i'm sorry to anyone who has had to put up with it. and i hope that this ball of stress and weirdness isn't how people remember me. it's been a weird week and past few days and i need to pull myself together. it's 4am, and i still have a lot to do, i'm exhausted and right now i just feel like crap. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

YAY!!! look at us we're famous!!!

I am going to miss jamming with this girl a lot!! We've come a long way playing together. We became friends when one of us pulled out a guitar and it was like bam!! instant musical connection (she didn't like me before that) haha jk. some of my best memories!

i don't wanna talk about it....

WARNING: THIS IS ALL THE STUFF THAT "I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT"......

dear world.... I have some things to say. things that probably won't mean much of anything to many people, but I just want to say them. first of all, I’ve deleted my facebook, temporarily as a challenge from a friend to get more done in the final weeks of the semester... a few weeks of freedom from the addiction that 99% of the world's population has. it should be nice, and probably hard. next, the same thing that I always seem to complain about, I don't like change.... even the thing that is supposed to be the happiest change of my life scares me a little, not because I think it will be bad, but because I’m unsure, and because I don't get to know what happens next. next, I shouldn't worry so much about change, because it could be a lot worse, so I’m frustrated with myself because it could be something really hard that I have to do, when it really isn't. ya know, I don't think it's even the marriage change that scares me, but it's like moving in with a new roommate who you know but have never lived with, and I’m never good at that. I always feel like I’m a really different kind of person, that something is just really different about me that will make me hard to live with or that will make this change harder than it should be, or almost like I make it harder on myself... I don't know. life is good. I don't like goodbye's, and for some reason I feel like I’m going to be saying goodbye to so many people and so many different things. I’m saying goodbye to some of my closest friends, saying goodbye to my family for a while, moving on to something that I don't know... married or not. that's a big part of it, something I don’t know. I’m 24 years old! I’ve been single for a long time and I got really comfortable and really content living that way and planning my life that way the older I get.... yea I was always preparing for the chance that I might get to be a wife and mom, but I think in some ways, emotionally and mentally, I had prepared myself to be single for a long time. the marriage thing just isn't what I expected, in fact I was at the point where it was the last thing that I expected, and I had in fact given up and planned my life out after college. I’m so excited to get married, I just got really comfortable the way that life was, so comfortable I didn't want to leave... this probably sounds ridiculous because I don't think a lot of people get it, I mean I know I’m not the only person that feels this way but it is weird... I know it sounds like I’m just rambling but really this is just me going over everything in my head again and again to try and get it and maybe change the way I’m feeling about it. I shouldn't be sad cuz I know that most girls in fact would jump at the opportunities I have, and I am grateful, and excited, don’t get me wrong, this is just hard because I’m weird, no other explanation needed, nuf said.

in other news..... actually there isn't a lot of other news to talk about. it's really cold here and will probably be just as cold if not colder at home... going home scares me a little, cuz I don’t have many friends there, or any really.... so two months at home without my fiance and without my friends... ergh.... yea the time with my family will be fun, and probably really good for me and worth it since getting married=poor=don’t know when I’ll see them again....

I kinda just want to cry a little. I don’t know why all of this is so stinkin hard! this should be a piece of cake, but this is me being me and just making things harder than they have to be...