tears. gratitude. goals.

so i'm home now, and this is probably the hardest it's ever been for many reasons. I miss my fiance a lot, and i miss my friends soo much, i'm not quite sure what to do with myself, it's my last little bit to get to spend with my family, getting married will terrify and excite me all at the same time, i need to be a good influence on my youngest sister, i need to be kind and civil when someone else comes home, it was 12 degrees when i got of the phone, and i miss my friends and fiance so much that i cry, i got home and he started texting me just wanting to talk and was telling me about the fun that they are still having an i started to cry again for the first time since the salt lake airport, i know people won't forget about me but somewhere way deep down it still makes me sad that they might so i can't wait to hear from them! yes, i know that this sounds like a lot of complaining, but it's not, last night a very good friend of mine reminded me that it's ok to have emotions about things, good and bad, and that yes it is ok to show them and to cry about them when necessary, because it's good for you. I forgot that for a while and i'm working on it, but she was right, i can't push away my own feelings and i can't not share. BUT on the other hand...
i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends who love me so much that that's what makes it hard to leave them, i'm lucky to have a fiance who loves me so much and who is doing his best to make this easier for me, even if he hasn't quite figured out how, i'm blessed to have a wonderful family that i always know i can come home too, i'm blessed to have the opportunity to recieve the blessings of the temple soon, i'm grateful for technology whether it is a phone to text and call or a computer to skype/facebook/blog/email, which makes the distance seem not as bad, i'm grateful that i have emotions and friends who love me enough to l me cry to them, even when i think its silly, and they tell me it's ok, i'm lucky to have a fiance who i know will miss me because it's all over his face, and i'm grateful for being blessed to have the best friends a girl could ask for because they aren't the kind of people to just let go and forget about such good times and sch strong connections, and to top it all off i'm going to make goals for myself so that i stay busy, and learn new things, and take time to enjoy the break that i finally have from school....

1. read the hunger games series
2. cook a new recipe or at least something at least once a week
3. write at least 3 new songs while i'm home
4. learn a really complicated song on the guitar while i'm home
5. learn at least one more song on the piano a week
6. spend time with tabitha, especially recording songs
7. spend time and learn from my mom
8. lose 30 lbs before the wedding
9. excercise every day except for sunday
10. make sure that i talk to/stay in touch with katie, shelley, melanie, whitney, carmelite, whitley, kami and many other the best that i can
11. obviously my fiance
12. have my wedding announcements at least designed by the end of december
13...... more to come

so that is the list for now, and there will be more when i think it out more clearly on a day that is not today because today has been emotionally and physically draining, and i think that it is time to read a little and try to get some sleep.

late night thoughts

I think finals and trying to get wedding stuff done and stressing about changes and medication and losing my voice and so many things that have been going on have just made me, well really stressed, without even realizing it. I really am trying to be a good friend, roommate and fiance but i feel like i havent quite been myself the past week or so and i'm sorry to anyone who has had to put up with it. and i hope that this ball of stress and weirdness isn't how people remember me. it's been a weird week and past few days and i need to pull myself together. it's 4am, and i still have a lot to do, i'm exhausted and right now i just feel like crap. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

YAY!!! look at us we're famous!!!

I am going to miss jamming with this girl a lot!! We've come a long way playing together. We became friends when one of us pulled out a guitar and it was like bam!! instant musical connection (she didn't like me before that) haha jk. some of my best memories!

i don't wanna talk about it....

WARNING: THIS IS ALL THE STUFF THAT "I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT"......

dear world.... I have some things to say. things that probably won't mean much of anything to many people, but I just want to say them. first of all, I’ve deleted my facebook, temporarily as a challenge from a friend to get more done in the final weeks of the semester... a few weeks of freedom from the addiction that 99% of the world's population has. it should be nice, and probably hard. next, the same thing that I always seem to complain about, I don't like change.... even the thing that is supposed to be the happiest change of my life scares me a little, not because I think it will be bad, but because I’m unsure, and because I don't get to know what happens next. next, I shouldn't worry so much about change, because it could be a lot worse, so I’m frustrated with myself because it could be something really hard that I have to do, when it really isn't. ya know, I don't think it's even the marriage change that scares me, but it's like moving in with a new roommate who you know but have never lived with, and I’m never good at that. I always feel like I’m a really different kind of person, that something is just really different about me that will make me hard to live with or that will make this change harder than it should be, or almost like I make it harder on myself... I don't know. life is good. I don't like goodbye's, and for some reason I feel like I’m going to be saying goodbye to so many people and so many different things. I’m saying goodbye to some of my closest friends, saying goodbye to my family for a while, moving on to something that I don't know... married or not. that's a big part of it, something I don’t know. I’m 24 years old! I’ve been single for a long time and I got really comfortable and really content living that way and planning my life that way the older I get.... yea I was always preparing for the chance that I might get to be a wife and mom, but I think in some ways, emotionally and mentally, I had prepared myself to be single for a long time. the marriage thing just isn't what I expected, in fact I was at the point where it was the last thing that I expected, and I had in fact given up and planned my life out after college. I’m so excited to get married, I just got really comfortable the way that life was, so comfortable I didn't want to leave... this probably sounds ridiculous because I don't think a lot of people get it, I mean I know I’m not the only person that feels this way but it is weird... I know it sounds like I’m just rambling but really this is just me going over everything in my head again and again to try and get it and maybe change the way I’m feeling about it. I shouldn't be sad cuz I know that most girls in fact would jump at the opportunities I have, and I am grateful, and excited, don’t get me wrong, this is just hard because I’m weird, no other explanation needed, nuf said.

in other news..... actually there isn't a lot of other news to talk about. it's really cold here and will probably be just as cold if not colder at home... going home scares me a little, cuz I don’t have many friends there, or any really.... so two months at home without my fiance and without my friends... ergh.... yea the time with my family will be fun, and probably really good for me and worth it since getting married=poor=don’t know when I’ll see them again....

I kinda just want to cry a little. I don’t know why all of this is so stinkin hard! this should be a piece of cake, but this is me being me and just making things harder than they have to be...

Art is....

Even though i tend to complain about all of the reading and lecturing, but sometimes we come across some really interesting and intense things, that are things that really hit me... today in my art readings class we are talking about the difference between Dionysian art and Apollonian art. The first is pure emotion and ecstasy through whatever your art is, and the second being more contemplative and thought evoking. We are talking about the differences between the two and what we could have if both were brought together. There are some things that just make you think about them, and take your thought process to great places. Then there are some things that you just feel, you can't necessarily say or decide what it is that moves you, but it is something, something beautiful and amazing that you just feel. It's so hard to explain the things that you feel when you hear a piece of music that moves you or see a dance that does the same, there are even pictures and other things that bring emotion to people, that we can't seem to explain. Inspiration, ideas, dreams, colors, movement, sound, words stone or steps. There was a paragraph in our reading for today that really stuck out to me, it's awesome, like the perfect way to describe dance and music and other kinds of art...

"In song and in dance man expresses himself as a member of a higher community; he has forgotten how to walk and speak and is on the way towards flying into the air, dancing. His very gestures express enchantment...he feels himself a god, he himself now walks about enchanted, in ecstasy, like the gods, he saw walking in his dreams. He is no longer an artist, he has become a work of art." -Nietzsche

Sometimes I really do get good things out of these classes, it makes me feel like I really am learning something. The point of this class was to learn to have an opinion of what art really is, i think i'm getting there.

life man....

life man. that's how i feel today. The past few weeks have been crazy! This past weekend I went down to Utah for a night to visit with my roommates from like 3 years ago. I'll be honest I was really nervous to go down before I did, cuz it's been a long time since we spent time together and I was going through a lot of really crazy things that last time that I was with them. It was really fun though and I wish I could have spent more time with them. It was really crazy to see how much everyone has changed. Still the same group of girls, but we've all grown and done so much since we lived together. I don't even know a word for it! Like watching some of your best friends become even better :). Hearing about the things that they've done and the things that they have gone through. They are all such amazing girls. I've been so blessed up here in Rexburg to have had so many roommates that have blessed life, since I've been here, and all the way up to the girls that I live with right now. It was really good for me to go hang out with them, it was really fun and an experience that I needed. Two of them have been married in the temple and graduated, one of them is in grad school, and the other just returned from a mission a few months ago... hahaha goes to show what I'VE accomplished in the past few years haha I'm working on it. I'm lucky to have such good example from past semesters and such good support now. life man.... it comes and it goes, sometimes too fast, I still wish that I had a pause button, or like a "lets slow down and just chill" button. Haha I try so hard to not have to grow up, because I don't want to. I think right about now a trip to never never land would be just what I need... I think that all those hundreds of times watching Peter Pan as a kid had a profound effect on my mind and the way that I think that life is supposed to be, I can blame Disney for all of my issues. When I was little the movies that were coming out were like all about being free and never growing up... haha oh man. So weird to be 24, just thinking it and saying it is like WOAH! So old! I was born in 1987, half my roommates were born in the 90's! crazy, it doesn't really make a difference I guess, cuz age is just a number and I still get along with just about everyone, but its just weird. Life man...

WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MUST I HAVE THIS PROBLEM?!

the end

venting...

just venting... this is a nice place to vent a little. it'll be quick cuz its late and i need sleep...

if there is one things that makes me mad, like really mad you've never seen nichole so mad... it's when someone is talking trash on my friends, or hurting them. nobody and i mean nobody, treats my friends like that and boy are you lucky that i was thinking as clearly as i was at that moment cuz it might have gotten ugly... you can say whatever you want to me, but you mess with somebody that i love then .... gah!! oh my freaking crap. back off.

gah... ok i'm done venting. but seriously.

Changes....

I don't like change. I really don't like change. It seems like as soon as I get comfortable and as soon as everything seems to be going so perfectly, it has to change. I wish it didn't have to be like that, granted if that were the case no one would ever get anywhere. I guess I just wish that there were some changes that we could do without. College life makes things interesting, for someone who dislikes change as much as me. Every 4 months, everything changes! New roommates, new classes, new teacher, all new people, sometimes a new apartment, sometimes a new ward, and so many other things. Friends come and go, people change, I change, sometimes the medicine that I take has to change.... which is probably why with all the deep heartfelt sadness/insight. I guess when things get tough, you don't notice the change as much because it comes as a relief... and that's why it seems like things change just when they get just so good. Because those are the things that we don't really want to let go of. I guess I should be used to letting go, and moving on and growing up, I've done a lot of all of that. Things last semester and this semester have just been so perfect. It's a time that I wish I could hold on to, and stay for just a little longer... that would be nice, if I could stay for just a little longer. But unfortunately, that isn't the case. I'm sad that so many friends have moved on, and I can't see them even once a week anymore, and we lose contact. I'm happy, and so lucky to have been allowed the opportunity to be blessed by so many people. I'm sad that last semester Melanie, Whitney and Carmelite left, but I got good new roommates this time too, and Shelley and Katie stayed for a bit! But now it's my time to move forward, and get married, to a wonderful man. The change won't be easy, but it will be good. Katie is leaving for nursing school and i'm going to miss her like crazy! Ali is going to Spain and I'm gonna miss her too! Gah!! People are coming back as I head off in my new direction. So much. Sometimes I wish life would just chill and give me a break! But I would never want to stop progressing.... it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think I need to make sure the people that I love, know that I love them, and the people who have blessed my life know how grateful I am, and the people who are going to become part of my life need to know how excited I am.... so many good things that I want but I can't have them all. So good luck and I love you friends who are moving on, you have made my life better in ways that you will probably never know. Good luck to those still figuring stuff out, and look out new stuff here I come!! and that is that.

We were all Alice in Wonderland for Halloween!! So fun and everyone looked legit!

The Queen of Hearts and her fat boys hahaha so good!! I love that we all put our own twist on our costumes. Also three really amazing girls, who are always there to lift you up or just encourage. They are awesome.

Shelley has lived with me in the same room for almost 8 months and it has been epic!! We sleep the same , we have good times, and she still likes me haha! Such an amazing room-roommate! :)

I think I kinda like him, probly we'll get married :)

I'm going to miss moments like this a lot. Moments where we all come home at night and just talk and laugh together about or day, and take funny random pictures of the funny random things that we do! So many good times this semester and last. Friends as good as these are hard to find, I got lucky.

In love these girls so much, 2 semesters together and after this semester we are all headed in different directions. They are probably the two most kind and sincere people I have ever met. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. They're the kind of people who love you for who you are, no matter how crazy, awkward, or just plain weird you might be (I would know I'm all of the above) Shell and Katie

Good times, last semester single, life is good :) To all the girls that I have lived in northgate 101 with you're awesome! You will all do a lot of good for a lot of people.

little moments

In the past week, I've broken his jump drive, spilled his chicken terriaki, lost track of time and forgot to txt him back, fought with him, given him bruises, ruined/broke my nerf gun and his nerf gun and he bought both, stepped on his toes, scared him, fallen on him, stolen his nice hoodie, ruined/stained his nice white hoodie with orange and yellow glow sticks, after ruining the guns having him take me to idaho falls at 11pm so i can get a new one cuz i was sad, in the process falling half asleep on the way home and being too tired to eat the cake that he spent all day making for me, forgot the flowers he got me at his house and who knows what else that i can't even remember and all he does is smile and post "little moments" on my wall.

the past few months :)

I never do know what to blog about. I guess I could tell you that I'm in New Hampshire for the summer now, that my brother is getting married next Saturday, that I'm dating a boy, and that I'm 23 and I just got done with the best/hardest semester of my life. For the first time ever I lived in an apt where we all got along. Perfectly. All semester. Impossible you say? Well I would have said the same thing 4 months ago, but I guess I would have been wrong. Honestly I think that it was nothing short of a miracle, but either way, it was the best semester ever. We all had so much fun together, and did so much together. I made 5 new best friends. There aren't even words for how epic this past semester was. Not even words. I really need to sit down and write all of the things that I can remember. We did take a lot of pictures so that will help with remembering. Plus I had a really good support group while I dated this stud that I met :) I think he definitely helps with the whole best semester ever and "happiest I've ever been" blah blah all those cliches :). The school part was HARD especially since I ALWAYS wanted to be home or with my roommates. As in, being as home in my apt was always an enjoyable time. So why wouldn't I want to be there?! Anyway, the school part was hard. I took three studio classes and an online psychology class. The online psychology class failed miserably. But my studio classes were a lot of fun. AND I think that I even did pretty dang good in them :) if anything I'm proud with the work that I did in them and almost started to feel like I have a really slim chance at being an artist in the future. Anyway, in short, life is good. The last few months have been the best of my life and as far as I can tell, things are just going to stay good and keep gettin better!

This is the first night we all met!!

Accidental trip to Jackson :) good times!

Cowboy and Indian dance party!

Katie's birthday dinner at Texas Road House!

Roommate pictures :)

Fourth of July in Rupert!

Our last night together!!

SORRY

i'm soooooooo sorry if anyone thinks that I have been ignoring them or that I have forgotten them!! I swear I haven't and I'm so sorry, school has been ridiculously crazy this semester, and it just keeps getting crazier, and I'm sorry if any of you feel like I've been a bad, friend, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I haven't figured out how to really manage the time yet either.... oh man, I love you guys and again, I'm sorry.... especially to a certain very good friend, who I know has asked me to babysit or go to the zoo, or other things like that and I haven't had time...... anyway I hope you guys can forgive me!!

this is me :) cover of "perfect" by p!nk. not to bad! honestly if it weren't for the fuzzy mic, this video would make me famous!!!

packing, moving... kinda :)

so this is what me trying to pack amounts to. in the past like 3 hours i think i've packed maybe my shirts? which for me is quite an accomplishment but i keep getting distracted! I also found out that I do kinda know 2 of the girls i'm moving in with next semester and it makes me nervous... and i better still get one of the bigger rooms upstairs!! oh man... this probably wont be the last post of the night cuz i'll probably get bored again later.

can't sleep...

Dear ADHD,
I'm gonna need you to shut up, calm down, and let me freaking go to sleep!!! I went to bed at 12 and now it's almost 3... my thoughts won't stop racing in a billion different directions and it's exhausting but since it won't chill out, I can't sleep. I know you like your late nights and sleepy mornings but I need to get on a regular schedule that includes sleep. I even took 3 melatonin and my ritalin even wore off an hour before I went to bed so that shouldn't be a problem, it usually isn't. please adhd brain... give it a rest... I have things to do and people to see tomorrow... i'm not gonna be a happy camper if you don't settle down and let me sleep! please!!

yours truly,
nichole


p.s. if i cant fall asleep i'll be back later...

OH MY GIANT BLUE HEAD!!!

I can actually feel my brain shorting out and starting to melt. It's a fun feeling. especially when it starts to leak out of my ears... that just tickles! ok maybe that was a bit much, but like i said, it's melting, so things are just coming out and I really have no control... er less control than usual.
Trying to figure out when i'm going to do everything that I need to do. Things seemed to get a little easier when I found out that I don't have to clean!! apparently my roommates DID all sign for the cleaning service things which no big deal if they didn't want to but things got a bit easier knowing that all I have to do is move out :) that gives me like 2 days extra to make sure my project and moving gets done. Those days that i won't be cleaning for white glove can now be separated into a day to write my paper, and well a day to do the rest. hooray! then i'm taking next week to do NOTHING. absolutely nothing. I'm going to NOT do homework, sleep as much as I want, watch the movies I haven't had time to watch, watch whatever I want whenever I want to, start working out again cuz I miss that, hang out with whoever is still in town, get first dibs on everything in my brand freaking new apartment, play my guitar whenever I feel like, and be as loud as I want because there won't be anyone around to care. it'll be fun.
And I'm not going to lie, I'm excited for next semester to start. I miss doing what I love :) I miss designing and taking pictures and I'm so excited/terrified!!! I am excited for all of my classes!! I think this will (finally) be the first semester that I'm taking all classes that are for my major and minor, except one which is general psych, to fill credits and get a better grade than last time BUT I love psychology! It was one of the other majors that I considered when I first got here, so really that will just be a good time for me :) I have Musicianship 1 at 7:45 every day, which if I can stay awake and remember things from last time, it'll be a blast! I have digital photography and graphic design on Tuesday and Thursday, general psych online, and Thursday nights art seminar.
I can't even tell you how busy I will be. Classes will be all day Tuesdays and Thursdays and then Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be when I don't leave campus trying to finish projects for my studio classes. So I'll be living on campus in the library or the Spori, maybe the Snow. And if I have time, I'll be sleeping at home, but we'll see how that turns out. If that doesn't work out I'll probably be sleeping on one of those couches in the Art Gallery. Please keep sending any mail to my home address because I don't think the library would like it if they were getting my mail and then have to come find me to give it to me. I'll be at home on Sundays, so that's when I'll pick up all, (if any) of my mail, and packing my bag with non perishable food items for the week, you know, MREs (?) freeze dried stuff, canned foods, powdered milk, and twinkies cuz they never go bad, and a few bucks for when I figure out what part of campus where the vending machines are cheapest, and yes, some of them sell things for cheaper. Oh I'll probably come home a few days a week to shower as well. Then again, there are showers on campus... eh we'll see how much I have done. I figure I can keep my clothes in my art locker :) with a mirror and some makeup, etc, etc.
I plan on being asked out a lot next semester, so I'll make time for that Friday and Saturday nights, hopefully that will be enough time for all of them. It will all come down to balancing. Hmm maybe that's a bad way to put it since I've never really been the best at balancing. People usually get hut... I usually get hurt! There won't be time for hurt next semester.
Well for now that's the plan, it will need to be tweaked here and there, and maybe I should get books soon and all that stuff. But that will be that then when it comes and blah blah now i'm bored with typing so i'm done. bye.

sleep? whats that?

Oh man, here we go again... I was doing so good!! For like 2 weeks I was going to bed before 12, like 11 and 10 even... gah!! I don't know what happened! wait... yes, I do... it was just last night when I was up trying to figure out stupid school! Trying to figure out credits and classes, money and books and blah blah and so suddenly I was up until 3, then I slept in until 1 today and now i'm still up and it's 2... so now we're back to this. I NEED to start sleeping, starting the week after next I have a class at 7:45am... blah! I don't know how I'm going to do it to be honest... anyone who has known me at all ever knows that mornings are soooooo hard for me, almost impossible... :/ well if I can get myself to start going to bed early again then well we'll see.
So the semester is over? I don't even know how I feel about it. I've been on such a roller coaster of emotions for the past few days... weeks... months... but the weeks and months are normal everyone goes back and forth with emotions but these past few days woooooo they've been crazy, I've been going back and forth and up and down with my emotions like hourly! It's been ridiculous and I'm ready to be done with this.... anyway, I decided to blame that part of life when it's normal for a girl to get wicked emotional for about a week, and that the semester is over. It has been a roller coaster of a semester! And I think that the end is just kinda all crashing in on me! The fact that it's ending is really sad and at the same time such a relief!! And I think my emotions just don't know which ones to pay attention too. I'm wicked sad because I LOVE my roommates (the ones I get along with) ok no.... i do love all my roommates but you know what I mean. I got a long really well with most of my roommates. They didn't have issues with my loud or my crazy or whatever else that sometimes people can't handle, well most of them. It was just good, and fun and started out as being one of the best semester to date! But then it all just kind of fell apart because of well lets just say one thing that would cause everything to fall to pieces. So it just makes me sad that things came to what they did. Things are still good, but not as good as they were before. It could have been so good and really that thing has been a very, very, very emotional semester. And remember folks "emotions" means good bad happy and sad types, including the worst I've ever lost my temper... ever, the most I've ever been so confident in who I am :) I could say the least I've ever wanted to do homework, but that just happens sometimes. I made an amazing new friend that has helped me out so much and has been awesome to talk to and hang out with and now I'm getting to know her roommates too! So it's been good and bad and bad and good. I've learned a lot this semester, from all the good bad bad good stuff that's been going on. Oh man, I just realized that it's almost 3... and not because it takes me an hour to write not that much but I keep getting sidetracked and I'm so tired that I've just about completely lost track of everything... I think the point that I'm getting at is that well other than life being good in general, my emotions are all over the map, freakin roller coaster, we're talking six flags new england summer of 2005 the first time I rode the superman number 1 roller coaster in the world crazy emotions!! Now that it's 3, i'm tired and completely out of it, i think that it's time for me to go to bed.

tired

... right now i'm sooooooooo tired!! It's a quarter after 3 in the morning and I should be sleeping... I want to be sleeping but I sat down a few hours ago to just look and see how much my books would cost and it's not looking pretty :/ and while I was thinking about it I was thinking about how maybe there was another 3 credits that I could retake... and just maybe, and hopefully, and really mostly hopefully I could save money on books... turns out I can definitely get a better grade in psych 111 from a way long time ago AND and and and and and it doesn't require a book!!! saving me $50!! yes! and since i'm retaking it... it won't affect my high credit problem yay!!! I'm a genius!! now if i can just figure out how to avoid buying books completely and wake up enough to get off the couch and go to bed.....

on my mind lately... take caution.

dear world...
I realize that its been a long time i wrote about my life for the world to see, but i figure everyone must miss me soooo i decided i should probably update for the sake of the world... hahaha. So every day of my life I notice that everything is a lot funnier in my head than in real life? my imagination seems to make things like 10 times more intense and elaborate and literal than they really are. If the world really was like it is inside my head, we might be in a lot of trouble. Like earlier when I was watching Finding Nemo. It was the part where they were in the whale and the whale was about to blow them out of his blowhole and I was wondering hmm I wonder what it would be like if I had a blowhole and could blow stuff out of it. So I sat and thought about what it would be like, how it would work and how it would feel... I decided it would be cool. Then I wondered what it would be like to be a whale that couldn't actually breathe in the water, but had to always stay there anyway! And then I thought some more and thought about what it would be like to be a fish, and always just be swimming and floating around and swimming all the time. I wanna be a fish, or maybe a turtle... hmm... anyway thats why it would be maybe bad if the world worked like my mind sees it... :)
And now for your entertainment...
Just kidding it's still me. Anyway so last night I was watching a different movie that really made me think about life stuff, like the important life stuff. We watched 13 going on 30. Usually it just makes me sad cuz it reminds me of... someone, but not last night, and it wasn't even until after the movie that I realized it hadn't reminded me of... someone that time! The movie is about a girl who at her 13th birthday party she wishes that she could just skip ahead to thirty and have all the things she wants! And her wish comes true!! But as her suddenly 30 year old self she realizes that she's not a very good or nice person, and she doesn't really have everything she wants and realizes what is really important to her, because the life she thought she wanted just made her unhappy and she had to do some not so nice things to get there! She skipped a lot of really important stuff. I was just thinking about how I'll be 30 in 7 years! Which doesn't seem like that long, but at the same time it does. The older I get, the faster time seems to go, and the shorter those times seem. But a lot could happen in 7 years. I hope a lot does happen in 7 years. Which is something I wouldn't have said at 13. I would have said 30?? pfft i'll never be 30! I'm not worried about that! I'll just be doing my thing if I do ever turn 30, kids? eh... husband? eh... like really at age 13 I just wanted to well make it through being 13, and the same with 14, 15, 16 and probably a few more. When I got to school I thought about some of that stuff a little more, but I would say that thinking was just that, thinking, even when I thought I wanted those things, I really didn't want it yet... I really REALLY wasn't ready yet!! holy cow!! (i think, i'm pretty sure that it really is just taking me longer to grow up than most... but thats not necessarily a bad thing) Anyway, just in the last few months, literally, those things have completely changed, or at least really started too. Not that I ever wasn't growing or growing up but i think now it's starting to show and work? My friend told me the other day that when you work out it'll take 6 weeks before you start to see a change and start to see results, well I think it's the same with growing up, we're all constantly working towards what we think it means to "grow up" or maybe towards who it is that Heavenly Father wants us to be. Always growing, from day 1. And we all have our own "6 weeks" the time it takes for the things that we see, experience and learn to really start to "show" it's all there, we're always learning. You know like when I was 20 it was like "I swear I'm learning, I really do know stuff!" but it didn't show yet? Does that make sense? I think it does. So now in the past few months I've started accidentally noticing things about myself that seem "grown up" now. It's been crazy all these things that I want suddenly, that I have never been sure of in my life! I dated a boy at the beginning of the semester who was just that, a boy. He was a great guy but he would rather play video games than hang out with me, or even take me on dates. He's the first boy I officially "dated" since the last time I thought that I was ready for marriage... I didn't want to marry him, in fact I had a feeling from the beginning that it wasn't gonna go anywhere but I knew that there was something that I needed to learn. It was that as fun as dating was, and as fun as just dating for fun was (even though I never would have admitted it) that wasn't what I wanted anymore... it almost scared me how much I realized that I wanted more, and that I'm starting to think that I might actually be ready for more. Like the whole real deal ready to go. It still kinda scares me to think that but I think it will until something happens, cuz I never really expected it. And then the other one, it was crazy, like the most insane moment I've ever had in my life and I can't believe I'm about to write this here where people can read it, but I'm pretty sure that no one actually reads it... so last night, watchin that movie blah blah blah and it got over and the weirdest thought/picture flashed into my head... like something I've never tried to imagine ever, and it was me pregnant! (i was a cute pregnant girl btw) And then I wanted it!! I wanted it so bad!! gah!! It was insane! Oh my goodness... I mean yea, I'm the girl that always just watches her friends get married and have kids and have the life that (now especially) I want so bad, I don't even know where I was going with THAT thought but it just feels like it'll be different now, because I want it in a different way. I think it might be called "for all the right reasons" and I wanna say that I think i'm so close to actually getting there but I don't wanna rush or get my hopes up quite yet. I'll just keep doing my thing and doing my best and try... harder... and when the Lord thinks that it's time and that I'm as close to ready as I'm ever gonna get then I'll take it and run with it. I'm not scared of committing or trying to fall in love again, I'm not scared of being pregnant or child birth, I want it so much! And it feels so good to finally be able to say that to myself. I feel so good about it. AND just fyi conference this weekend, ya? Well some of the questions that I wrote down before I watched were kind of having to do with this stuff in part... preparation and direction and "what the heck do I do to have a family?!" Yea and maybe it was just me, or maybe since that was part of what I was thinking about and looking for... but I heard a lot! about a lot! of that stuff, that is stuff that if I listen to I'll be ready for that stuff when it comes and I just completely overused the word stuff but there were just to many words that i would have had to use so i didn't use them!
So thats that. I guess. and see this is the problem with me trying to be a blogger, I don't get on here for months and then when I do I write way to much, all the stuff thats been on my mind for the last few well months! And it sounds so good and so cool and makes me think that i'm a good writer but thats about all the credit i get. Me being proud of my writing and the things that I'm willing to admit to online. And then I'm pretty sure that no one even reads it... was that the point or idea of whoever started blogging? that other people were supposed to read other people's stuff and be friends or was it just oh, everything is online anyway why not just put EVERYTHING ONLINE! YAY! who knows. anyway, thats what's on my mind, heavily on my mind. I might come back and write little insignificant things on here soon, but most likely, I'll be back in a few months, with another freaking huge post... heck maybe it'll take years and the next time i write i'll be, somewhere.

bye

ugh?

So I tend to come back and forth to this thing from time to time... I'll be writing on here for a little bit and the I'll forget about it for a month or two and then I'll start back up for a little, and then forget again. Probly I know there's at least one person who I know reads this when she finds it and I kinda wanna talk to her about all this stuff but I think she's probly sleeping right now, or up with her 5 month old, or with her sick 2 year old. The other night one of my friends got mad at me... it seemed like she was really mad but maybe thats just cuz I don't like it when people get mad... I don't like it at all. But it was an interesting conversation... at times it was a little heated and at other times it was just us each trying to understand the other. She said her piece and I said mine and then I just felt terrible.... I panicked, and if you've ever lived with me, well need I say more? It was a bad one. By that time we had returned to understanding conversation and right around the point of making up and working through things... but then I panicked anyway! Everything had already gotten worked up and heated already so it just went from there... we ended up being up until after 5am. Blah... ok so now here's the thing... we've worked through things, talked and worked it all out for the most part on both of our sides, things are good. But first of all my body has just been exhausted from the whole thing... and just like blah... but now I just feel ridiculous? I keep getting really anxious and almost nervous around her, just thinking about the other night... because of how hard I am on myself, and after having hear what she had to say about what I was doing wrong, I'm checking myself way more than I should be, and not cuz she's doing anything but just cuz of my reaction to things... my confidence feels shot,.... not completely but in a way I feel like all of the worst parts of me have come right to the surface for everyone to see and criticize. Like people are just looking for things that are wrong with me... I haven't felt like that since I was a teenager! And I keep feeling like I'm gonna mess up again... thats just how bad it got... er how bad I got, or maybe just how bad it seemed... I dunno what to do with myself. Her and I were sitting in the living room earlier just chillin and I was so nervous and jittery... its making me so sad, cuz I don't want to feel like that.... oh man...