this is me :) cover of "perfect" by p!nk. not to bad! honestly if it weren't for the fuzzy mic, this video would make me famous!!!

packing, moving... kinda :)

so this is what me trying to pack amounts to. in the past like 3 hours i think i've packed maybe my shirts? which for me is quite an accomplishment but i keep getting distracted! I also found out that I do kinda know 2 of the girls i'm moving in with next semester and it makes me nervous... and i better still get one of the bigger rooms upstairs!! oh man... this probably wont be the last post of the night cuz i'll probably get bored again later.

can't sleep...

Dear ADHD,
I'm gonna need you to shut up, calm down, and let me freaking go to sleep!!! I went to bed at 12 and now it's almost 3... my thoughts won't stop racing in a billion different directions and it's exhausting but since it won't chill out, I can't sleep. I know you like your late nights and sleepy mornings but I need to get on a regular schedule that includes sleep. I even took 3 melatonin and my ritalin even wore off an hour before I went to bed so that shouldn't be a problem, it usually isn't. please adhd brain... give it a rest... I have things to do and people to see tomorrow... i'm not gonna be a happy camper if you don't settle down and let me sleep! please!!

yours truly,
nichole


p.s. if i cant fall asleep i'll be back later...

OH MY GIANT BLUE HEAD!!!

I can actually feel my brain shorting out and starting to melt. It's a fun feeling. especially when it starts to leak out of my ears... that just tickles! ok maybe that was a bit much, but like i said, it's melting, so things are just coming out and I really have no control... er less control than usual.
Trying to figure out when i'm going to do everything that I need to do. Things seemed to get a little easier when I found out that I don't have to clean!! apparently my roommates DID all sign for the cleaning service things which no big deal if they didn't want to but things got a bit easier knowing that all I have to do is move out :) that gives me like 2 days extra to make sure my project and moving gets done. Those days that i won't be cleaning for white glove can now be separated into a day to write my paper, and well a day to do the rest. hooray! then i'm taking next week to do NOTHING. absolutely nothing. I'm going to NOT do homework, sleep as much as I want, watch the movies I haven't had time to watch, watch whatever I want whenever I want to, start working out again cuz I miss that, hang out with whoever is still in town, get first dibs on everything in my brand freaking new apartment, play my guitar whenever I feel like, and be as loud as I want because there won't be anyone around to care. it'll be fun.
And I'm not going to lie, I'm excited for next semester to start. I miss doing what I love :) I miss designing and taking pictures and I'm so excited/terrified!!! I am excited for all of my classes!! I think this will (finally) be the first semester that I'm taking all classes that are for my major and minor, except one which is general psych, to fill credits and get a better grade than last time BUT I love psychology! It was one of the other majors that I considered when I first got here, so really that will just be a good time for me :) I have Musicianship 1 at 7:45 every day, which if I can stay awake and remember things from last time, it'll be a blast! I have digital photography and graphic design on Tuesday and Thursday, general psych online, and Thursday nights art seminar.
I can't even tell you how busy I will be. Classes will be all day Tuesdays and Thursdays and then Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be when I don't leave campus trying to finish projects for my studio classes. So I'll be living on campus in the library or the Spori, maybe the Snow. And if I have time, I'll be sleeping at home, but we'll see how that turns out. If that doesn't work out I'll probably be sleeping on one of those couches in the Art Gallery. Please keep sending any mail to my home address because I don't think the library would like it if they were getting my mail and then have to come find me to give it to me. I'll be at home on Sundays, so that's when I'll pick up all, (if any) of my mail, and packing my bag with non perishable food items for the week, you know, MREs (?) freeze dried stuff, canned foods, powdered milk, and twinkies cuz they never go bad, and a few bucks for when I figure out what part of campus where the vending machines are cheapest, and yes, some of them sell things for cheaper. Oh I'll probably come home a few days a week to shower as well. Then again, there are showers on campus... eh we'll see how much I have done. I figure I can keep my clothes in my art locker :) with a mirror and some makeup, etc, etc.
I plan on being asked out a lot next semester, so I'll make time for that Friday and Saturday nights, hopefully that will be enough time for all of them. It will all come down to balancing. Hmm maybe that's a bad way to put it since I've never really been the best at balancing. People usually get hut... I usually get hurt! There won't be time for hurt next semester.
Well for now that's the plan, it will need to be tweaked here and there, and maybe I should get books soon and all that stuff. But that will be that then when it comes and blah blah now i'm bored with typing so i'm done. bye.

sleep? whats that?

Oh man, here we go again... I was doing so good!! For like 2 weeks I was going to bed before 12, like 11 and 10 even... gah!! I don't know what happened! wait... yes, I do... it was just last night when I was up trying to figure out stupid school! Trying to figure out credits and classes, money and books and blah blah and so suddenly I was up until 3, then I slept in until 1 today and now i'm still up and it's 2... so now we're back to this. I NEED to start sleeping, starting the week after next I have a class at 7:45am... blah! I don't know how I'm going to do it to be honest... anyone who has known me at all ever knows that mornings are soooooo hard for me, almost impossible... :/ well if I can get myself to start going to bed early again then well we'll see.
So the semester is over? I don't even know how I feel about it. I've been on such a roller coaster of emotions for the past few days... weeks... months... but the weeks and months are normal everyone goes back and forth with emotions but these past few days woooooo they've been crazy, I've been going back and forth and up and down with my emotions like hourly! It's been ridiculous and I'm ready to be done with this.... anyway, I decided to blame that part of life when it's normal for a girl to get wicked emotional for about a week, and that the semester is over. It has been a roller coaster of a semester! And I think that the end is just kinda all crashing in on me! The fact that it's ending is really sad and at the same time such a relief!! And I think my emotions just don't know which ones to pay attention too. I'm wicked sad because I LOVE my roommates (the ones I get along with) ok no.... i do love all my roommates but you know what I mean. I got a long really well with most of my roommates. They didn't have issues with my loud or my crazy or whatever else that sometimes people can't handle, well most of them. It was just good, and fun and started out as being one of the best semester to date! But then it all just kind of fell apart because of well lets just say one thing that would cause everything to fall to pieces. So it just makes me sad that things came to what they did. Things are still good, but not as good as they were before. It could have been so good and really that thing has been a very, very, very emotional semester. And remember folks "emotions" means good bad happy and sad types, including the worst I've ever lost my temper... ever, the most I've ever been so confident in who I am :) I could say the least I've ever wanted to do homework, but that just happens sometimes. I made an amazing new friend that has helped me out so much and has been awesome to talk to and hang out with and now I'm getting to know her roommates too! So it's been good and bad and bad and good. I've learned a lot this semester, from all the good bad bad good stuff that's been going on. Oh man, I just realized that it's almost 3... and not because it takes me an hour to write not that much but I keep getting sidetracked and I'm so tired that I've just about completely lost track of everything... I think the point that I'm getting at is that well other than life being good in general, my emotions are all over the map, freakin roller coaster, we're talking six flags new england summer of 2005 the first time I rode the superman number 1 roller coaster in the world crazy emotions!! Now that it's 3, i'm tired and completely out of it, i think that it's time for me to go to bed.

tired

... right now i'm sooooooooo tired!! It's a quarter after 3 in the morning and I should be sleeping... I want to be sleeping but I sat down a few hours ago to just look and see how much my books would cost and it's not looking pretty :/ and while I was thinking about it I was thinking about how maybe there was another 3 credits that I could retake... and just maybe, and hopefully, and really mostly hopefully I could save money on books... turns out I can definitely get a better grade in psych 111 from a way long time ago AND and and and and and it doesn't require a book!!! saving me $50!! yes! and since i'm retaking it... it won't affect my high credit problem yay!!! I'm a genius!! now if i can just figure out how to avoid buying books completely and wake up enough to get off the couch and go to bed.....

on my mind lately... take caution.

dear world...
I realize that its been a long time i wrote about my life for the world to see, but i figure everyone must miss me soooo i decided i should probably update for the sake of the world... hahaha. So every day of my life I notice that everything is a lot funnier in my head than in real life? my imagination seems to make things like 10 times more intense and elaborate and literal than they really are. If the world really was like it is inside my head, we might be in a lot of trouble. Like earlier when I was watching Finding Nemo. It was the part where they were in the whale and the whale was about to blow them out of his blowhole and I was wondering hmm I wonder what it would be like if I had a blowhole and could blow stuff out of it. So I sat and thought about what it would be like, how it would work and how it would feel... I decided it would be cool. Then I wondered what it would be like to be a whale that couldn't actually breathe in the water, but had to always stay there anyway! And then I thought some more and thought about what it would be like to be a fish, and always just be swimming and floating around and swimming all the time. I wanna be a fish, or maybe a turtle... hmm... anyway thats why it would be maybe bad if the world worked like my mind sees it... :)
And now for your entertainment...
Just kidding it's still me. Anyway so last night I was watching a different movie that really made me think about life stuff, like the important life stuff. We watched 13 going on 30. Usually it just makes me sad cuz it reminds me of... someone, but not last night, and it wasn't even until after the movie that I realized it hadn't reminded me of... someone that time! The movie is about a girl who at her 13th birthday party she wishes that she could just skip ahead to thirty and have all the things she wants! And her wish comes true!! But as her suddenly 30 year old self she realizes that she's not a very good or nice person, and she doesn't really have everything she wants and realizes what is really important to her, because the life she thought she wanted just made her unhappy and she had to do some not so nice things to get there! She skipped a lot of really important stuff. I was just thinking about how I'll be 30 in 7 years! Which doesn't seem like that long, but at the same time it does. The older I get, the faster time seems to go, and the shorter those times seem. But a lot could happen in 7 years. I hope a lot does happen in 7 years. Which is something I wouldn't have said at 13. I would have said 30?? pfft i'll never be 30! I'm not worried about that! I'll just be doing my thing if I do ever turn 30, kids? eh... husband? eh... like really at age 13 I just wanted to well make it through being 13, and the same with 14, 15, 16 and probably a few more. When I got to school I thought about some of that stuff a little more, but I would say that thinking was just that, thinking, even when I thought I wanted those things, I really didn't want it yet... I really REALLY wasn't ready yet!! holy cow!! (i think, i'm pretty sure that it really is just taking me longer to grow up than most... but thats not necessarily a bad thing) Anyway, just in the last few months, literally, those things have completely changed, or at least really started too. Not that I ever wasn't growing or growing up but i think now it's starting to show and work? My friend told me the other day that when you work out it'll take 6 weeks before you start to see a change and start to see results, well I think it's the same with growing up, we're all constantly working towards what we think it means to "grow up" or maybe towards who it is that Heavenly Father wants us to be. Always growing, from day 1. And we all have our own "6 weeks" the time it takes for the things that we see, experience and learn to really start to "show" it's all there, we're always learning. You know like when I was 20 it was like "I swear I'm learning, I really do know stuff!" but it didn't show yet? Does that make sense? I think it does. So now in the past few months I've started accidentally noticing things about myself that seem "grown up" now. It's been crazy all these things that I want suddenly, that I have never been sure of in my life! I dated a boy at the beginning of the semester who was just that, a boy. He was a great guy but he would rather play video games than hang out with me, or even take me on dates. He's the first boy I officially "dated" since the last time I thought that I was ready for marriage... I didn't want to marry him, in fact I had a feeling from the beginning that it wasn't gonna go anywhere but I knew that there was something that I needed to learn. It was that as fun as dating was, and as fun as just dating for fun was (even though I never would have admitted it) that wasn't what I wanted anymore... it almost scared me how much I realized that I wanted more, and that I'm starting to think that I might actually be ready for more. Like the whole real deal ready to go. It still kinda scares me to think that but I think it will until something happens, cuz I never really expected it. And then the other one, it was crazy, like the most insane moment I've ever had in my life and I can't believe I'm about to write this here where people can read it, but I'm pretty sure that no one actually reads it... so last night, watchin that movie blah blah blah and it got over and the weirdest thought/picture flashed into my head... like something I've never tried to imagine ever, and it was me pregnant! (i was a cute pregnant girl btw) And then I wanted it!! I wanted it so bad!! gah!! It was insane! Oh my goodness... I mean yea, I'm the girl that always just watches her friends get married and have kids and have the life that (now especially) I want so bad, I don't even know where I was going with THAT thought but it just feels like it'll be different now, because I want it in a different way. I think it might be called "for all the right reasons" and I wanna say that I think i'm so close to actually getting there but I don't wanna rush or get my hopes up quite yet. I'll just keep doing my thing and doing my best and try... harder... and when the Lord thinks that it's time and that I'm as close to ready as I'm ever gonna get then I'll take it and run with it. I'm not scared of committing or trying to fall in love again, I'm not scared of being pregnant or child birth, I want it so much! And it feels so good to finally be able to say that to myself. I feel so good about it. AND just fyi conference this weekend, ya? Well some of the questions that I wrote down before I watched were kind of having to do with this stuff in part... preparation and direction and "what the heck do I do to have a family?!" Yea and maybe it was just me, or maybe since that was part of what I was thinking about and looking for... but I heard a lot! about a lot! of that stuff, that is stuff that if I listen to I'll be ready for that stuff when it comes and I just completely overused the word stuff but there were just to many words that i would have had to use so i didn't use them!
So thats that. I guess. and see this is the problem with me trying to be a blogger, I don't get on here for months and then when I do I write way to much, all the stuff thats been on my mind for the last few well months! And it sounds so good and so cool and makes me think that i'm a good writer but thats about all the credit i get. Me being proud of my writing and the things that I'm willing to admit to online. And then I'm pretty sure that no one even reads it... was that the point or idea of whoever started blogging? that other people were supposed to read other people's stuff and be friends or was it just oh, everything is online anyway why not just put EVERYTHING ONLINE! YAY! who knows. anyway, thats what's on my mind, heavily on my mind. I might come back and write little insignificant things on here soon, but most likely, I'll be back in a few months, with another freaking huge post... heck maybe it'll take years and the next time i write i'll be, somewhere.

bye