Although this might look like my second post tonight, it is not. It's one that I wrote a week or so ago, and justdecided to publish it. So yes, there are two today, posted within minutes of each other, but I'm not insane, now read on if you must...
Warning: this post may be emotionally unsettling/sad... i'm still not even sure if i will post it publicly... Sometimes these days, I look around and I wonder. I wonder how my life got to where it is now. I never really think it through too much because then I think my head would explode. A little over a week ago a friend asked me if I was still writing songs. I was sad when I thought about it, and had to say that it's been a while since I wrote one. I was thinking about it, and I think that I just haven't been able find the words to express how I feel about everything lately. There's just too much emotion involved, emotions that either I've already moved past, and want to keep them that way, or that I just haven't processed yet. It's like there aren't words, at least not yet. Apparently I am no TSWIFT and haven't yet been able to destroy my last relationship by way of a song... But I did go looking through some of the old songs I've written, (partly because I was unpacking them) and found one that I wrote about him, well him and me and how even though I wanted too, I don't easily trust people... at all. In fact I'm almost positive that the first serious conversation we had was when I told him just that. That I had a really hard time trusting people and that I was very, very protective of my heart, and my trust is not something that people get easily, there are very few people that I trust completely, but we won't get into all of that just now. While reading through it, I briefly wondered if part of me was trying so hard to let myself trust him that I didn't see some of the reasons that maybe I shouldn't have anyway... I still know that everything that happened, happened the way that it was supposed too, but it still makes me look back and wonder. What does it really mean to trust someone anyway, why is it so hard for me to trust, does anyone really truly, completely trust. I guess you would have to in some situations. I want to say that, at least in some ways, I did end up trusting him. I trusted him enough to marry him, to believe it when he said he loved me, and to put my happiness and future partly in his hands. That's saying something. So maybe at least I know I am capable. I don't know if there is a valuable lesson to be learned here... right now I'm having trouble seeing past the part where he just proved me right on the whole not trusting people thing and as much as I don't want to admit it, I will more than likely have an even harder time trusting people in the future. Wow, that IS unsettling. Looks like I've got some things to work on, and lots of praying and relying on the Lord. That said, it's time for bed. (I totally just rhymed my goodbye, pretend I rapped it to you)
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Dramatic and Overstated
Ok, I'm gonna make this one short, it's getting late and I have places to be and things to buy tomorrow. Not that they are things that I want to have to buy, when you are in the process of waiting to start another job, and still paying bills, money seems to disappear like... like the disappearing man. Simple enough, it just seems to be GONE. And it does not help that I am still trying to cash my last check from my last place of employment. I stopped working there over a month ago, and just barely was able to cash it today, and today was not the first time I tried to cash it. I felt quite relieved when the bank man handed me my money. And then there was the devastating part when I got home and was told, (by more than one person,) that apparently if the check bounces, I have to go back and hand that cashmoney back to the bank man. So, long story short, in my experience working for said previous company, even though I have the cash, it isn't mine and I'll probably have to give it back. So lame. Incredibly lame, in fact, I'm going to change the subject because this one is making me a bit woozy.
I found a ward to go to on Sunday. It was a small family ward. For some reason, my first though when I get to the building was something like "Oh crap, I hope this isn't a Spanish branch..." Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the people in the Spanish branch are great, but it's hard enough getting to know new people, throw in a language barrier and I'm done for. I couldn't find a seat at first because, well, I was late, my hair refused to cooperate, drastically refused. So I got there right at the beginning. I'll be honest with you, sitting out in the foyer, in a new Church building, not knowing ANYONE, is daunting, and a bit sad. Imagine my immense discontent when I walked in and lots of families and old people and, of course, no one my age. For some reason, I started to panic. No one my age?! What would I do?! Who would I befriend? Who would tear up the town with me on Friday nights? Who would pick up the phone and call to "hang out", who would I go do stupid things with when I didn't want to do stupid things alone.... alone... there was that word again. I felt that feeling... that feeling that's kind of somewhere in you're lower chest that felt like it was trying to move it's way through my throat, and sinking, my insides felt like they were sinking... no, I wasn't about to vomit, but the thought that had suddenly rushed to my head was "I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE!" Dramatic and overstated.... COMPLETELY. But after the past couple years I've had, everything tends to seem that way. Dying alone is no laughing matter, and after having so much within my grasp, and them watching it slip right through my small and sexy fingers, well you can imagine (or probably you can't) how much more upsetting dying alone would be. Yes I know, all quite dramatic and exaggerated, but over-expression of intense emotions seems to be my thing, which isn't always bad. I've had a few people tell me I should be in musicals, which someday, I may get around to. Anyway, I did, after sacrament meeting, go and talk to the bishop of the ward, who was a bit... um, I can't think of the word right now, but he was slightly helpful but kind of not all with me. I dunno, it may have been those pesky, intense emotions clouding my judgement. BUT he did tell me where and when the young single adult ward supposedly meets. So eventually I will be trying that out as well.
Right now I'm in NH visiting my family... again. But I may as well take advantage of being so close to them and currently not having much else to do. Soon enough I will start working and be busy and hopefully (fingers crossed) meet some other young, and single, and "looking to have friends or date" types of people.
We shall see. Off to bed. Things to do tomorrow.
I found a ward to go to on Sunday. It was a small family ward. For some reason, my first though when I get to the building was something like "Oh crap, I hope this isn't a Spanish branch..." Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the people in the Spanish branch are great, but it's hard enough getting to know new people, throw in a language barrier and I'm done for. I couldn't find a seat at first because, well, I was late, my hair refused to cooperate, drastically refused. So I got there right at the beginning. I'll be honest with you, sitting out in the foyer, in a new Church building, not knowing ANYONE, is daunting, and a bit sad. Imagine my immense discontent when I walked in and lots of families and old people and, of course, no one my age. For some reason, I started to panic. No one my age?! What would I do?! Who would I befriend? Who would tear up the town with me on Friday nights? Who would pick up the phone and call to "hang out", who would I go do stupid things with when I didn't want to do stupid things alone.... alone... there was that word again. I felt that feeling... that feeling that's kind of somewhere in you're lower chest that felt like it was trying to move it's way through my throat, and sinking, my insides felt like they were sinking... no, I wasn't about to vomit, but the thought that had suddenly rushed to my head was "I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE!" Dramatic and overstated.... COMPLETELY. But after the past couple years I've had, everything tends to seem that way. Dying alone is no laughing matter, and after having so much within my grasp, and them watching it slip right through my small and sexy fingers, well you can imagine (or probably you can't) how much more upsetting dying alone would be. Yes I know, all quite dramatic and exaggerated, but over-expression of intense emotions seems to be my thing, which isn't always bad. I've had a few people tell me I should be in musicals, which someday, I may get around to. Anyway, I did, after sacrament meeting, go and talk to the bishop of the ward, who was a bit... um, I can't think of the word right now, but he was slightly helpful but kind of not all with me. I dunno, it may have been those pesky, intense emotions clouding my judgement. BUT he did tell me where and when the young single adult ward supposedly meets. So eventually I will be trying that out as well.
Right now I'm in NH visiting my family... again. But I may as well take advantage of being so close to them and currently not having much else to do. Soon enough I will start working and be busy and hopefully (fingers crossed) meet some other young, and single, and "looking to have friends or date" types of people.
We shall see. Off to bed. Things to do tomorrow.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Vacation?...
So, now that I have been offered a job, and I'm just waiting for the processes to process, technically I'm on mini vacation, because technically I'm employed, so long as they don't find any deep dark secrets in my criminal history that is. I'm just waiting, they could call me in to start at any moment, which is why I haven't blown this joint and gone off on a real vacation. Naturally, I've been spending my days in front of my Tv and computer, watching movies and playing games, and snacking way more than I should... this is no bueno. This kind of vacation where you are waiting for something to happen, is evil, because when it comes full circle, you just get fat. Maybe I won't get to fat, I did finally get to the gym yesterday to switch my contract over to the gym here. That could have turned out better. I did manage to get a much shorter contract for a bit less each month. But let's just say that I feel like I went from the Taj Mahal of gyms, to the crack house of gyms. Really though. I mean don't get me wrong, I am quite picky about the cleanliness of the facilities that I use, but it was like 10 times smaller, and smelled like a mixture of urine and sweat. It didn't look like it got cleaned much at all and there were like 3 Tvs that were placed at awkward angles with no way of hearing them/no subtitles or anything. Don't even get me started on the locker room, and I didn't even go in to the bathrooms... BUT it's what I've got for the next six months so I will just have to grin and bear it and then run far away and find something better. I felt pretty good about my 15 minute workout, but it only lasted 15 minutes because I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. Again, Taj Mahal > crack house. Plus I forgot my ipod, partly because it's been a while since I used it. Ooh but hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, therefore the somewhat unnerving feeling that I get when I walk in to this gym, will just add to my progress. Right? Let's go with that.
Today was a pretty good day, my inner geek came out and partied a bit with the Doctor, for some reason I was in the mood to watch some of the most emotionally heart-wrenching parts, but it was a good time nonetheless. Also, I got a popcorn bowl today, where I come from, that's a big deal. Respect.
Tomorrow, I will be attending my new ward for the first time. My Utah ward called the other day, asking for my new address and wanting to send my records out this way for me. So when I logged on to LDS.org, it told me what ward to go to. I haven't decided if it's a good thing or a bad thing that it isn't a singles ward. But I guess either way, it means I probably won't find many dating prospects, and I will probably stay single and without a dating life for a while, here in Massachusetts.
Anyway, I guess here's to being young and single? Sure, why not. Unless, really that's just what us single people who wish we weren't, say to make ourselves feel better... ;)
Today was a pretty good day, my inner geek came out and partied a bit with the Doctor, for some reason I was in the mood to watch some of the most emotionally heart-wrenching parts, but it was a good time nonetheless. Also, I got a popcorn bowl today, where I come from, that's a big deal. Respect.
Tomorrow, I will be attending my new ward for the first time. My Utah ward called the other day, asking for my new address and wanting to send my records out this way for me. So when I logged on to LDS.org, it told me what ward to go to. I haven't decided if it's a good thing or a bad thing that it isn't a singles ward. But I guess either way, it means I probably won't find many dating prospects, and I will probably stay single and without a dating life for a while, here in Massachusetts.
Anyway, I guess here's to being young and single? Sure, why not. Unless, really that's just what us single people who wish we weren't, say to make ourselves feel better... ;)
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Life lately... again.
(This is gonna be a long one!!)
I hate that I never remember to update this thing. I wish I was one of those people that like every Thursday evening I'm like OH, I should update my blog. But I guess three months has now passed and life, once again, flip flopped itself all around and changed, completely. That seems to happen to me a lot. Head spinning.
Soo about a month ago I quit my job, due to a need for benefits and a more stable job, and things god a bit sketchy right at the end and it just felt like it was time to leave. I packed half my stuff and got rid of the other half, UPSed a crapload of it, and packed the really expensive stuff in to my car. And I left Utah. I always knew that I wouldn't be in Utah forever, but it felt like I just got there and was finally settling in a bit, after you know like 9 or something months. So I left, and drove the first day just fine, sang my lungs out, and stopped in Omaha, NE for the night, at quite a nice Motel 6. Seriously, nicest Motel 6 ever! So I slept quite well, got up the next day, filled up the tank, and headed out.
MY DISASTER STORY, IF YOU WANNA READ IT...
Then Disaster struck, a few hours into my drive my car sputtered and lurched and died, and had just enough momentum for me to roll to the side of the road... and really, just enough momentum, like, my tires were just over the white line, on the I-80, I couldn't even get out of the car until there were no car or huge semis passing. It was a bit scary. Let's just say, I almost started freaking out... called my dad and freaked out a bit and cried a bit. I was literally in the middle of nowhere Iowa. Seriously, nothing but fields for miles... The car would turn over and start but it wouldn't do, ANYTHING. So I could get it in neutral, and I would jump out of the car and try to push it more off to the side... I got it a little more off the side, but still not really enough to get out of the car... (luckily a police officer pulled over and pushed my car more off the road) anyway, I called my insurance and spent like 45 minutes on the phone with them trying to figure out where I was and where to send a tow truck. So, thus far, I am alone, on the side of a busy highway, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea where I was, talking to some insurance lady in Arizona, and waiting for some random tow truck driver, to take me who knows where with my completely dead car... SO, anyway. From then on out, I sat, and waited. I couldn't call someone to talk to because my phone had like half a battery annnnd I didn't have a car charger. So I waited, and waited, a few hours.... eventually the tow truck showed up... it was a bit scary, I'll be honest. He was a raspy old guy, with long hair and wrinkly tattoos. He was nice, but, the whole situation was just killin' me anyway. He gets the car up on to the tow bed, and we hop in his truck and start driving. We end up in this little tiny, tiny town, called Brooklyn, Iowa. The guy keeps telling me how small of a town Brooklyn is, and how there aren't any hotels there and hopefully there will be somewhere for me to spend the night and blah blah blah and it was stressing me out a bit. So we stopped he had to ask where the mechanic that the insurance had sent us to was. The tow truck driver gets back in the truck and says that they told him where to go, and also that they didn't think it was open anymore... and we drove over to the place, and it was not there. So I call my insurance back, trying not to LOSE it and they talk to th tow truck driver and give us another location, in another town. Off we went. Another 20 minutes with a strange man in the middle of nowhere. We ended up in the little town of Grinnell, Iowa. The tow truck driver dropped me at a little car dealership that had a shop and he started unloading my car from the truck bed, while I started talking to the guy... who proceeded to tell me that they wouldn't even look at my car until Tuesday... it was Friday. And it was a holiday weekend. It took everything I had not to fall apart. Holy crap was I stressed. Oh, and I was worried about how much it was going to cost. I called my dad again and then he decided to call the insurance, and have some words with them and find a place that might at least look at it. And get the, to send another tow truck... So I just waited around at this car dealership for something to happen. Then, when the dealership closed I waited outside in my car for the other tow truck driver. This one was a bit less sketchy and had his wife with him, so it was a little better, they drove me and my car to the place and they dropped me off at the hotel... We found out the next day that my transmission was gone, and it was going to take until like Thursday of Friday to fix it... ugh. Through a series of phone calls that I wasn't even really a part of, my aunt who lived three hours away offered to come get me on Sunday and have me stay with them for the rest of the time it would take. So I stayed in the hotel until Sunday, it rained like crazy! My room leaked a little, and all I had to eat was skittles, string cheese, beef jerky and whatever I could save from the free breakfast. I had no other clothes, except pjs, and really just nothing. But that was just a few days and my aunt came and picked me up. I actually had a really fun time staying with them and I didn't think about the trauma as much. We went to the zoo, and I got to feed a giraffe, we saw Iron Man 3, watched movies, hung out, I got some changes of clothes at walmart, and really just had a great week, despite the car troubles. My car was finished on Thursday, and we went and picked it up on Friday, and I continued my drive. That night I stopped at another motel 6, that cost way more and was waaaay grosser... had trouble sleeping that night, I got like 5 hours of sleep total? from like 5am to 10am... it was a long night. And then I drove across NY the next day and I FINALLY made it!!
....to MA. And then got in the car and headed up to NH to surprise my Family at church the next day. Which was awesome! They were so excited, as was I. AND to make things even better, Kayleen was there with her boys, which I knew they would be but it was still wicked exciting. It was the first time I had seen her since, well before a lot of really crazy crap happened, and it was just really, really good to see her. Anyway, we only stayed until Monday morning, and then went back to MA, and I started unpacking, and had a job interview that went really great. It was kind of stressful, but went pretty well. (I have a second interview this week)
THEN I came back to NH, and have been here hanging out here for a week and a half :) quality time with my family, helping out around the house cuz my mom had sinus surgery and having some much needed and long waited for talks with my wonderful friend about the craziness that is life. Even the kind of talks where it got so late and we were so tired that we were cracking up at everything, and it has just been a really great week and a half.
Life has been a bit stressful and crazy to say the least but I have been soooo blessed and everything is going to work out!! I hope, I really hope everything works out... life is crazy scary and hopefully I can do it!
I hate that I never remember to update this thing. I wish I was one of those people that like every Thursday evening I'm like OH, I should update my blog. But I guess three months has now passed and life, once again, flip flopped itself all around and changed, completely. That seems to happen to me a lot. Head spinning.
Soo about a month ago I quit my job, due to a need for benefits and a more stable job, and things god a bit sketchy right at the end and it just felt like it was time to leave. I packed half my stuff and got rid of the other half, UPSed a crapload of it, and packed the really expensive stuff in to my car. And I left Utah. I always knew that I wouldn't be in Utah forever, but it felt like I just got there and was finally settling in a bit, after you know like 9 or something months. So I left, and drove the first day just fine, sang my lungs out, and stopped in Omaha, NE for the night, at quite a nice Motel 6. Seriously, nicest Motel 6 ever! So I slept quite well, got up the next day, filled up the tank, and headed out.
MY DISASTER STORY, IF YOU WANNA READ IT...
Then Disaster struck, a few hours into my drive my car sputtered and lurched and died, and had just enough momentum for me to roll to the side of the road... and really, just enough momentum, like, my tires were just over the white line, on the I-80, I couldn't even get out of the car until there were no car or huge semis passing. It was a bit scary. Let's just say, I almost started freaking out... called my dad and freaked out a bit and cried a bit. I was literally in the middle of nowhere Iowa. Seriously, nothing but fields for miles... The car would turn over and start but it wouldn't do, ANYTHING. So I could get it in neutral, and I would jump out of the car and try to push it more off to the side... I got it a little more off the side, but still not really enough to get out of the car... (luckily a police officer pulled over and pushed my car more off the road) anyway, I called my insurance and spent like 45 minutes on the phone with them trying to figure out where I was and where to send a tow truck. So, thus far, I am alone, on the side of a busy highway, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea where I was, talking to some insurance lady in Arizona, and waiting for some random tow truck driver, to take me who knows where with my completely dead car... SO, anyway. From then on out, I sat, and waited. I couldn't call someone to talk to because my phone had like half a battery annnnd I didn't have a car charger. So I waited, and waited, a few hours.... eventually the tow truck showed up... it was a bit scary, I'll be honest. He was a raspy old guy, with long hair and wrinkly tattoos. He was nice, but, the whole situation was just killin' me anyway. He gets the car up on to the tow bed, and we hop in his truck and start driving. We end up in this little tiny, tiny town, called Brooklyn, Iowa. The guy keeps telling me how small of a town Brooklyn is, and how there aren't any hotels there and hopefully there will be somewhere for me to spend the night and blah blah blah and it was stressing me out a bit. So we stopped he had to ask where the mechanic that the insurance had sent us to was. The tow truck driver gets back in the truck and says that they told him where to go, and also that they didn't think it was open anymore... and we drove over to the place, and it was not there. So I call my insurance back, trying not to LOSE it and they talk to th tow truck driver and give us another location, in another town. Off we went. Another 20 minutes with a strange man in the middle of nowhere. We ended up in the little town of Grinnell, Iowa. The tow truck driver dropped me at a little car dealership that had a shop and he started unloading my car from the truck bed, while I started talking to the guy... who proceeded to tell me that they wouldn't even look at my car until Tuesday... it was Friday. And it was a holiday weekend. It took everything I had not to fall apart. Holy crap was I stressed. Oh, and I was worried about how much it was going to cost. I called my dad again and then he decided to call the insurance, and have some words with them and find a place that might at least look at it. And get the, to send another tow truck... So I just waited around at this car dealership for something to happen. Then, when the dealership closed I waited outside in my car for the other tow truck driver. This one was a bit less sketchy and had his wife with him, so it was a little better, they drove me and my car to the place and they dropped me off at the hotel... We found out the next day that my transmission was gone, and it was going to take until like Thursday of Friday to fix it... ugh. Through a series of phone calls that I wasn't even really a part of, my aunt who lived three hours away offered to come get me on Sunday and have me stay with them for the rest of the time it would take. So I stayed in the hotel until Sunday, it rained like crazy! My room leaked a little, and all I had to eat was skittles, string cheese, beef jerky and whatever I could save from the free breakfast. I had no other clothes, except pjs, and really just nothing. But that was just a few days and my aunt came and picked me up. I actually had a really fun time staying with them and I didn't think about the trauma as much. We went to the zoo, and I got to feed a giraffe, we saw Iron Man 3, watched movies, hung out, I got some changes of clothes at walmart, and really just had a great week, despite the car troubles. My car was finished on Thursday, and we went and picked it up on Friday, and I continued my drive. That night I stopped at another motel 6, that cost way more and was waaaay grosser... had trouble sleeping that night, I got like 5 hours of sleep total? from like 5am to 10am... it was a long night. And then I drove across NY the next day and I FINALLY made it!!
....to MA. And then got in the car and headed up to NH to surprise my Family at church the next day. Which was awesome! They were so excited, as was I. AND to make things even better, Kayleen was there with her boys, which I knew they would be but it was still wicked exciting. It was the first time I had seen her since, well before a lot of really crazy crap happened, and it was just really, really good to see her. Anyway, we only stayed until Monday morning, and then went back to MA, and I started unpacking, and had a job interview that went really great. It was kind of stressful, but went pretty well. (I have a second interview this week)
THEN I came back to NH, and have been here hanging out here for a week and a half :) quality time with my family, helping out around the house cuz my mom had sinus surgery and having some much needed and long waited for talks with my wonderful friend about the craziness that is life. Even the kind of talks where it got so late and we were so tired that we were cracking up at everything, and it has just been a really great week and a half.
Life has been a bit stressful and crazy to say the least but I have been soooo blessed and everything is going to work out!! I hope, I really hope everything works out... life is crazy scary and hopefully I can do it!
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