Wondering

Although this might look like my second post tonight, it is not. It's one that I wrote a week or so ago, and justdecided to publish it. So yes, there are two today, posted within minutes of each other, but I'm not insane, now read on if you must...

Warning: this post may be emotionally unsettling/sad... i'm still not even sure if i will post it publicly... Sometimes these days, I look around and I wonder. I wonder how my life got to where it is now. I never really think it through too much because then I think my head would explode. A little over a week ago a friend asked me if I was still writing songs. I was sad when I thought about it, and had to say that it's been a while since I wrote one. I was thinking about it, and I think that I just haven't been able find the words to express how I feel about everything lately. There's just too much emotion involved, emotions that either I've already moved past, and want to keep them that way, or that I just haven't processed yet. It's like there aren't words, at least not yet. Apparently I am no TSWIFT and haven't yet been able to destroy my last relationship by way of a song... But I did go looking through some of the old songs I've written, (partly because I was unpacking them) and found one that I wrote about him, well him and me and how even though I wanted too, I don't easily trust people... at all. In fact I'm almost positive that the first serious conversation we had was when I told him just that. That I had a really hard time trusting people and that I was very, very protective of my heart, and my trust is not something that people get easily, there are very few people that I trust completely, but we won't get into all of that just now. While reading through it, I briefly wondered if part of me was trying so hard to let myself trust him that I didn't see some of the reasons that maybe I shouldn't have anyway... I still know that everything that happened, happened the way that it was supposed too, but it still makes me look back and wonder. What does it really mean to trust someone anyway, why is it so hard for me to trust, does anyone really truly, completely trust. I guess you would have to in some situations. I want to say that, at least in some ways, I did end up trusting him. I trusted him enough to marry him, to believe it when he said he loved me, and to put my happiness and future partly in his hands. That's saying something. So maybe at least I know I am capable. I don't know if there is a valuable lesson to be learned here... right now I'm having trouble seeing past the part where he just proved me right on the whole not trusting people thing and as much as I don't want to admit it, I will more than likely have an even harder time trusting people in the future. Wow, that IS unsettling. Looks like I've got some things to work on, and lots of praying and relying on the Lord. That said, it's time for bed. (I totally just rhymed my goodbye, pretend I rapped it to you)