sometimes the end of the day sucks... off night...

can i be allowed to have an off night? it was weird, these don't happen often for me these days... but everyone's gotta have one sometimes.... it was just weird, is still i guess... when my day ends, i go back to being that person, by no fault of my own as hard as i try, now lately and most of the time, it just comes to a tired but really excitable me that can't sit still... not really that bad and obviously everything is everywhere at these points.... but today we switched a little.... today when i would go back meaning when things wore off, well it was an emotional deal today... everywhere.... it's just been really off.... the end of the day is the worst part of the day for someone with ADHD because it's when everything wears off and everything from the day comes crashing back down... i really don't have many "crashes" anymore but tonight i seem to have fallen. not completely... tomorrow morning, i'll be fine, not fine i'll be great!! but gah!! man i can't even completely organize my thoughts right now, this is so frustrating!!! what am i supposed to do?! there's nothing i can do but try and fall asleep... oh plus, get this, i have an 18 year old roommate.... i've been so nice to her and tried to be her friend! but the way she talks to me and her attitude towards me just isn't t very nice, it's really not fun... she can really be rude... today she basically called me an idiot because one of the dishes in the dishwasher got stuck on a pot... and it's not cuz i wasn't paying attention, i was quite careful about it so that things got cleaned, 1)she saw me loading it earlier.... 2) she says to me "whoever loaded this dish is an idiot, it's stuck." i was nice about it but that's just plain rude! i mean really... who says that to someone?! not to mention i was already having an off night...it really kinda sucks... i'm not an idiot. i just feel frustrated... gah!! i miss my roommates.... obviously people and their lives move on.... me too, but that doesn't mean that i can't wish that i had a good friend here to even just give me a hug and tell me that everything is ok when i'm having a bad night.... don't get me wrong, my day was pretty good! man it was just that last little part.... this part where i can't control this! oh heaven's i'm trying, and i know in my heart that my life is still wonderfull after this bump in the road, and that everything happens for the best or to make me stronger! I know that everything is really ok and that i'm still headed in the right direction and making the best decisions that i can, but yes, i'm having a moment. a moment that won't last, i'll take what i have and do my best. i'll keep moving forward!! but right now is just one of those nights that i wish i had a friend around...

life happens... bummer.

Sometimes we find ourselves in crappy situations we can't control. It's so much easier to finourselves in any situation when we can control it, but time and time again we all find ourselves in those situations, there are just things in life that we can do absolutely nothing about, I can do absolutely nothing about! So this is the part where we take what we will and we choose how we will react. It's probably best to let it out, and not let it sit inside and start to fester and boil over... but what about after that? Here's my point. This is the part of my life where I am learning that things happen that really really suck, and I react, and I cry because essentailly it's just a shock. But then when iI've had time to think, time to cry, time to pray and time to ponder, I find that really my life is no different than it was yesterday. I might know than I did, I might be taller ore fatter or skinnier.... I might wear a different shirt, or walk a different way to class... but when it comes to it, another day has come and gone, and life keeps going and no matter what happens, good or bad, I'm still who I am, and if not, then I can promise it's because I was better than I was yesterday. Today I found out something that really sucked... but I'm still who I am and I still undertand that everything happens for a reason and that I have the option to take the best from it. I can learn from everything that happens, the worst of experiences can be the best of experiences depending on how you look at it. It's not always easy and it's not always fun, but life is life, and if I just keep doing my very best (which I will) then there's nothing I can do but be happy with my life, and the rest is in me Heavenly Father's hands, and He will take care of me and those I love, I just need to keep reminding myself of that. No matter what happens. Ha not to say that I don't have my share of bad days and I don't always react the best, but this is why life is a constant learning process. It's crazy to think about. It's a crazy concept, but once you start to figure it out, it makes perfect sense and life is all the better!
In other/better news I had a date last night!!! It was wonderful! I was asked by a guy that I met in one of my new classes! He's wicked cute and really nice! We had a lot of great uplifting conversation and went to the Nashville Tribute Concert!! It was sooooo good! The songs were all about the Prophet Joseph Smith and the pioneers and it was just a really fun night and I'm hoping for a second date, there seemed to be potential and it sounded like there might be a second date!! So here's hoping! Anyway, it's time for me to chill I really need a break, it's been quite a day, and I'm pretty sure all of today will just be like that. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

i just need to say it... i'm just gonna...

................ i just wish that more people understood the affects that ADHD have on someone. It affects EVERYTHING. and it gets so frustrating to try and explain every time something happens. when i say everything i really do mean everything... it's just so so frustrating.... i guess this comes out now because this is the first time i've lived in an appartment where none of my roommates (or friends) are the people that were there for me when i found out about it. To them, I was already Nichole and they loved me that way to begin with, even when all but one of them moved away, at least one understood. It never changed who I was... but for some reason when you tell someone that, something in their brains click, almost like a warning or something, but i'm still me!! gah! I'm just frustrated. Everything has been thrown off. And if you understood you would know that even the smallest change in the life of someone with ADHD can be a catastrophe... like new roommates, new friends, new classes. ha I think there are only 3 people who even know I have a blog, which is why I vent here, and if any of you read this, please understand that it is in no way directed to any of you, just people in general. just frustration in general. FYI it's ADHD awareness week. Sept 14-20. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttt as always i'll keep moving forward...

say what?!

So apparently no one told me that life is hard. If I'd known that as a kid, I dunno if I would've wanted to grow up at all!! Ok not really but today has been a weird day, kinda up and down. It's been goin since 7:45 and that is not my favorite way to start out as it is. Then I lost my phone and that was depressing, but then I found it. And then I went to devotional and it was wicked good! A lot of good stuff that was really good for me to hear, and also a lot of things that I can do and use in my life right now. Then after that I took a walk up to the temple to think and write my friend a note, and read my scriptures. It was wonderful I think that it's something that I'm going to start doing more often. It was really nice just to sit there and think about life and ponder. I really really need to go and actually like go inside and stuff. BUT still, it made my day being able to go up there. Then, weirdest thing ever happened, headed to spanish class and sat outside the door and waited with like 6 other kids and then class wasn't in the room we thought it was in, and we walked around the Smith building for like 20 minutes trying to figure it out, asking every adult we saw, and didn't find it, come to find out (after going home) that he had changed buildings!! But the department head said that he would email the our teacher and excuse all of us because even they didn't know where we were supposed to be! It was kinda crazy... then I started my homework and went to the opening ward social, saw my favorite person and a few others, and then came home and now I'm chillin doing my homework and such. I think things are settling back to normal after Saturday night, it was kinda insane and there was a moment... well more like a few hours.... my bad, but yea i think it might have made things awkward? I thought that maybe my friend wasn't going to talk to me anymore, it was very sad, but like I said, maybe back to normal? We'll see. Oh and I don't feel good... I've been really dizzy and headachy today and kinda yesterday too! It's kinda weird, probably I keep forgetting to eat? And drink water? So really maybe I think I'm just dehydrated... but yea, that's prettymuch life so far.... OOOOH i got shoot in archery class this morning, it was spectacular I love it! And Photography class.... yea it's gonna be the best ever I'm so excited!!! Anyway, that's the end for now, and um the end. keep moving forward!

yes you there in the back, with the blue eyes and pretty smile...

Life is, to say the least, interesting... life is unexpected and exciting... life is not always what we want it to be... and life is crazy... and life is wonderul. Life is basically everything all mixed up in to one crazy fast paced ride. We are never sure where the next rest stop is, and at times we make a wrong turn, even the times we thought we knew where we were going... life happens, love happens, loss happens. Happiness and sadness, excitement and boredome, love and not so much... un fortunately none of these good things are nearly as wonderful without the bad, in fact they would be pointless without the bad.
Then there are the questions that we all unfailingly seem to ask day to day. Should I take that class? Am I in the right major? Will I get the job? Will I get a good recomendation? Why do good thinsg happen to bad people? Why are you so nice? Will the test be hard? Why are they so mean? How can I help? What can I do? What happens next? Why do I like him? Why won't he ever see me that way? Why is she so sad? How do I get there? Where's the bathroom? Where's my next class? What's the plan of action? How's I get so lucky? What should I write my paper on? Why am I so blessed? Why can't i make her understand? Why don't I understand? How did that happen? Where'd the weekend go? What will I wear? Do you want fries with that? How about hot sauce? Shouldn't I be doing homework? What's for breakfast? Why not me? Why would I even think that? What's with all the questions? Where are all the answers?
....... See doesn't that seem just a bit crazy? Kinda chaotic? But just think about it?? How many questions flash through your mind every day, every hour? How many things do we wonder and wish about. It's how we learn isn't it. We ask to get an answer, although sometimes the answer isn't always there. I found myself thinking tonight (strange I know...) just wondering and admitedly worrying about things also. Things and people. Finding that some of the things I was thinking about were not what I expected! But also that they did not surprise me... in fact I laughed at myself and then asked my mind what it was doing!? Haha life is a constant learning experience I guess. Which would explain all of those crazy questions. I wonder which answer will come first. No I don't want fries thank you. There I guess that's a start. But now I will try to patiently wait, and the Lord will give me the answers to most of these questions when the time is right, or He will help me figure them out. :)

Nichole

half full or half empty?

Well you tell me? Is it half full or half empty?? I know how it looks from where I stand... Did you know that one of the most amazing things about this life, is that we ourselves can decide whether each and every situation is positive or negative? Did you know that you can decide if you are going to look for the good and learn from it or feel sorry about it? I have the ability to make every situation and interaction and whatever else a good thing! This is something that I always was told, but I didn't always understand the concept, there were just some things that I didn't think could be turned aroiund, it was just a bad thing I got the idea, but never new how to turn some things around... over the past few years, this past one especially, I have not only better understoof this concept, but almost gone pro. Don't get me wrong, there are bad days, there are things that get to me, some more than others...but the more I learn and experience, the more I get it, and I've watched other people do it. It's not always an easy skill to grasp on too, it takes practice, but once you start to get the hang of it, the end of every day get's a little better, as does the begginig. I think I probably made it so I learned the hard way, but at least I'm coming around :)! It's amazing the difference between a half full day and a half empty day! It's wonderful. Everything seems better, even the things that seem like they shouldn't. I really am able to better see each day as a gift! As a new experience where I will learn something or become something or make someone else have a better day. Over the last little while, I've learned a lot about how becoming the person that I want to be really is up to me, it's about the decisions I do and don't make. I might at times say I'm a victim of circumstance, but it's a load of bull, because we have the ability to make each circumstance what it is. So really, most if not all of the time, we become our own victims. And really.... why would you do that to yourself? It sounds ridiculous when I look at it that way. I'm still working out the kinks in all of this though... it's been quite the experience. But it's so much easier to be happy when I choose to be so. I've come to understand that there really is no point to crying over spilt milk, because it does not change or fix anything! All you can do is clean up the mess and move on, sometimes we try again to see if we can do better, but again, this doesn't change anything! once it's happened it has happened and there is not changing that. These are my words to live by for now and for the rest of my life. I make life what it is. OH and I could never forget the importance of my Heavenly Father in all of this, the closer I stay to him, the better everything is! Life seems lighter and happier, and it really is easier to decide to be happy and to stay strong!! :) Life is good.
Today I moved into my new appt. so far so good. I'm unpacked and situated, just need to run some errands and get some food, and be ready for school on Thursday. It should be great! I miss my family, this past break was quite intense, there was a lot a lot a lot of craziness, but it was almost like a way to test the things I've learned, in the last month, I have learned so much about other's, about my strength and how I'm stronger that I thought, and about the safety I really do feel when I'm close to my Father In Heaven. It has been wonderful, so so hard, but wonderful. And I will continue to strive to see it all as nothing less :)

Nichole