25!!

So the other day I turned 25, and this probably won't be a long post because it was actually kind of a boring birthday, but what can you expect when you've only been living somewhere for 2 months and still haven't made many friends? I just want to thank again anyone who said happy birthday to me or anything, I really needed to hear it, as weird as that sounds, it's not easy being in a new place by yourself, especially after everything that has happened in the past year, and I'll be honest, it was kind of a hard birthday after everything that has happened. So it really meant a lot to hear from people who care about me, even if they're far away :) like, I don't think you guys can ever really understand how much it meant. So thank you!! Yea it was kind of a rough day, really I spent most of the day working on the stage at the conference center (which is always awesome), and I was going to go spend the weekend with my brother and his wife, but something told me not to go this weekend, so I didn't go. Something really great that has come out of all of this is that I've learned to be able to rely on my Heavenly Father even more. And I'm just going to go up next weekend and we'll celebrate then!! After work I came home and my grandparents had a little cake for me and we had dinner and so on, and that was that. So not the best birthday ever, but I have high hopes that 25 will be a good year. I feel like, and hope, that things can only get better from here, haha and if they don't, well then that just means that things can only get better when I turn 26! Haha those are weird numbers to be tossing around, mostly because I think that I will never stop feeling like a kid :) haha you know me!

life lately

Haha, so I've been reading all my friends blogs, and man my life is boring lately! I'm all like yea I should post in my blog today, oh wait my life is boring. Oh well, I don't have much else to do. So I'm living in Utah, in my grandparent's basement, at least until I can afford to live somewhere else. It had been an interesting experience, meaning that in some ways it is like living by myself. I don't see them that much either because of our schedules or just because they go about their stuff and do their thing and we just don't see much of each other. So it's kind of like living by myself. I haven't made many friends yet either so I spend a lot of time (when I'm not working) trying to keep myself entertained, which isn't so much a challenge, but for anyone who knows me, you'll most likely know that I being by myself is not my favorite thing ever. Don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better at being by myself these days, in fact sometimes it's nice, but I would rather have people around a lot of the time, I'm a people person, so that's been tough but I can deal, I'm a tough chick.
My new ward is pretty cool so far, people are really nice and inviting, I have a calling, and so far it's pretty good. I may be getting awkward questions soon though, I already got one tonight about "hey I noticed, why did the ward directory have your last name as Smith?" Ugh that's the last thing that I want. Apparently my last bishop didn't change that on my records for me, so now my married last name is floating around, which I do not like. Haha maybe no one will notice, really I just don't want to have to explain that to a bunch of random people. Well I guess I'll just figure that out if it even happens.
  I have a job now, prettymuch the coolest job in the world!! http://idcutah.com/ that is where I work, Innovative Design Concepts of Utah, it is so sweet! I actually look forward to waking up every morning and going to work! I have to get up at like 7:30, which is quite the accomplishment, and a blessing that I have been able to sleep and get up that early! I really love my job, I was hired on for Christmas but there is definitely a chance that they will keep me on after the season is over! Everyone pray that it works out! I would love to keep this job! I've been getting decorations ready for an event coming up next week I think, in the conference center, but seriously, check out the website and just look at the pictures of some of the things that this company does, it's so sick! Speaking of which I should be in bed soon...
  I'm getting ready for Halloween, one of my favorites :) I'm trying to come up with an awesome costume, and usually I can pull something pretty sweet off. I just watched The Nightmare Before Christmas to get into the spirit! Man I wish I had more exciting things to talk about!
  I did have a cool experience last week! Well I've had lots of experiences in the last few months, I've been so blessed that things have been working out so well. But it is still hard dealing with well heartache and trying to figure out why things happen the way that they do sometimes, which if I'm not careful that one will drive me crazy... But last week I was reading my scriptures and was reading in the book of Ether, chapter 6 I believe, and it was the chapter right after the Jaredites had finished their barges and were getting in them to cross the sea, in the chapter you read that the ships were tight like a dish, and prettymuch  they got in, closed them up, and prayed and trusted the Lord that they would get to the promised land...

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

 7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

 8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.

 9 And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.

 10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.

 11 And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.

12 And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.

In verse 5 is talks about how the Lord actually causes the storms to come down on them and it keeps talking throughout the verses about how fierce these storms were, mountains of waves, tempests, it even talks about sea monsters and things like that. I was blessed to be given a new perspective on life, we all hear about and experience life's storms, and we always hear that the Lord will calm the storm, or that he may not calm the storm but he will calm his child, but in verse 8 it says that "the wind never did cease to blow towards the promised land" meaning that sometimes, he causes the storm but only to push us towards something better, I mean it makes sense but it hit me hard the other night, that sometimes he sends such fierce storms to get us to somewhere way better than where we are, we just have to trust him, and pray and do all that we can to push forward, and sometimes, like the Jaredites in the barges, we are powerless to fight the storms, all we can do is trust that the Lord is taking us somewhere better, that the wind will not cease to blow us towards our own "promised lands" I feel like my words here aren't nearly enough to convey the feeling of understanding I had in regard to my own life and to the trials I have faced lately, trials that were things that I never ever dreamed I would be called to face, and man was I caught of guard and totally blindsided by some of them. But when I read that scripture it was like the spirit was telling me that all of this crap was really going to be worth it someday, that the Lord really is using these trials and storms to take me to something better, and that I just need to trust him and the guidance I receive from the spirit. I once had a friend who told me that when the Lord gives us trials, it means that he has not forgotten about us,  and to add to that, it means that he has something better for us if we can but trust him and do our best to endure the storms of life. Again, I don't even think my words are enough to portray the knowledge and understanding that I was blessed with. Pray and read your scriptures and you really will be blessed with answers! Hope that wasn't too much to share but I felt like I should :)

I hope that all is well with you my friends and that you know how much I love you and value the amazing friendships I have been so blessed with throughout my life. Despite the hard things, I am so blessed.  

And now I should be getting to bed :) goodnight and much love!

HERE I GO AGAIN

    Yes, this is the version from the new movie (that I LOVED) but lately I feel like this song is the story of my life. Just think of me and listen to it! It's like this song was written for me! In fact I think Whitesnake wrote this song just for me... five years before I was born. That's right. Really I just feel a bit lonely lately. I'm definitely NOT regretting anything that has happened, just saying that sometimes, picking up and starting over can be really lonely. This song just makes lonely sound so much more exciting :) it makes my lonely feel hardcore, and that really does make it more exciting when I listen too it and I'm like "yea I hear ya, here i goooooooooooooooo"! I still wholly believe that I can do hard things, but that doesn't mean that the hard things aren't just that, hard. I mean I'm a people person, what does a people person do without people?!?! Shrivel up and die that's what!! Nope just kidding, maybe go a little insane, maybe it causes a rash... who knows. I'm hoping I find people soon. Living with my grandparents is fun, and granted they probably are a bit more lively than most, but they keep themselves busy and lets be honest, they aren't jumping at the chance to go out partying with me. I just miss being around people, being around my friends, and I'm even a bit homesick. I just keep telling myself there is a good plan at work here, I just don't know what it is yet! And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time, so here I go again!! That was clever, I should get payed to write this stuff! Even if none of you laughed, I did. You know what else I miss?! I miss making people laugh! I love making people laugh and G&G don't always catch on to my funny. I just need to get a job, go to a new ward, and force and/or pay my nearby friends to hang out with me. And then find a club to sing at where I will get discovered and made famous. End of story.


Except not the end of my story, because today I started interval training running something or other.... running, I started running. My dad gave my this training thingy that he started using a while ago that really worked so I'm trying it out. It starts you off doing intervals of running and walking through the whole 30 mins. The altitude here is killing me, but I did make it through my first time! It slowly builds up to a 30min run, and then I don't know what happens after that because there are no instructions, I guess that's just when you never have to run again!! Just kidding. OH and tomorrow I have a job interview!! At this little fast food ish place called Chipotle. Wish me luck, better yet, pray for me! Yea it's only part time as far as I know, but it's a start! And as said above, the next step is to get discovered for my amazing vocals and get famous!!

i can do hard things

... especially with the Lord. That's the phrase that ran through my mind as I opened this new post and though of all of the hard things that I've done, with the Lord's help, in the past year. And then not only have I made it through those hard things alive, but I am happier than I have ever been, and growing a lot from each experience. I don't think I'm happier because these hard things have been any easier or anything like that, but I think I've learned/decided that the best way to face hard things is with hope and a smile. Don't get me wrong, my moments of not smiling do come and go, but then again what is the good without the bad. That is another one of the beg lessons that I have re-learned in the past months, that the good things wouldn't mean nearly as much to us without the bad things that we have to face.
   This past year, I did probably what was one of the things that was near the top of my scary things list. I got married... and then I got divorced. Getting married was always a scary idea for me, as I think it is for a lot of people. But I did what I felt was right, what I felt the spirit prompt me to do, and all though the outcome does not seem like a positive one, I have grown in ways that no other experience would have permitted in the same way. I know that the decisions I made through all of it were the right ones. It's been interesting, the effect that all of the craziness has had on me, and I'm sure that things worked out the way they did for a reason. I have been blessed to see the love and tender mercies of the Lord through all of it, and I now have a renewed sense of strength and faith. I feel more ready than ever to take on the world, and when the time is right, to get married again. I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and that is the most comforting feeling you could ever have. I learned that I really can do hard things, and I've always known that my Heavenly Father was there for me, but despite the heartache, I've been given an opportunity to see it from a different perspective, one that make me appreciate things so much more. I think that when that time does come, and I do find someone to marry again, it will be a special kind of marriage for me, I think it will be that much more precious to me because again, "what is the good without the bad" I've seen the bad! And when I find the good, it will be a very precious and special thing to me, and that's just me and how I decide to look at it. I feel like there is a lot of emotion in this subject and maybe I'm just beating a dead horse (hahahahaha that phrase!!) but again, I know that things worked out the way that they did for a reason. There were and are things that I needed to learn from those experiences, and I think that they are still coming. Even just to know that I can face what I have and make it out alive! Something else that has shown me that I can do hard things, especially with the Lord, was my cross country drive. It was soooo long, but I feel accomplished to be able to say that I did that! I drove across the country, just me and my car and lots of Heavenly help.
I can do hard things
I can do the things that the Lord asks of me, I can pass through the refiner's fire and feel the heat as the Savior helps me work out my flaws and weaknesses, and I know that He is.
I don't know what is going to happen next, I literally feel like I'm being led blindly into a new experience, and I can't wait! It's like after that happened, it just helps me to know that everything really will be ok! I can't wait to see what will happen, and I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me. I know He's the one leading me by the hand right now, especially when things could seem so unsure.
I'm grateful for the refiner's fire, and for being helped along the way, I have an awesome family and awesome friends, and people who come into my life right when I seem to need them most. I'm ready to take on the world and whatever comes next. I know that everything is working out the way that it is supposed to and that I will be alright. And I am never left alone, not even when things seem the darkest, I am never alone and I can do hard things.

here we go

Well, here we go. Tomorrow is my last day in New Hampshire for a while. I'm moving and getting out on my own for real. We can pretend that's what college was, but everyone knows that college isn't really the cold cruel world. I don't know what is going to happen and it's mostly just one big leap of faith. I'm excited and nervous at the same time, I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I really hope I can get a good job doing something that I love. At first I'm pretty sure that I will get whatever job will let me support myself, and honestly I don't even know exactly what job I want, I mean don't get me wrong, I know what I love and definitely have a few dream job ideas, but then there comes the problem of being qualified, which isn't too big a deal, maybe then just more school, but that would be more money.... hmm, oh well, I'm still working things out. Haha I always have been one to kinda half plan and half make it up as I go. That's how I feel right now! I mean I had a plan, get married, check, live happily ever after or aka not have to make any immediate plans because he had almost three years left of school... well not check, needless to say things changed! See all that time I spent planning a wedding and dating that loser (if that sounds harsh, well, get used to it, he totally screwed me over...) is when I would have been planning an internship and looking for jobs and a stable career. Oh well, I'm over it, really I am, just trying to figure out what happens next. I dunno, there wasn't really a point to this post, just feeling like I wanted to get on here and say some stuff. Man I'm even short on witty comments tonight! Well wish me luck and pray for me! It's a long drive to make by yourself! And it's going to be interesting trying to figure out what to do with my life! Sorry if this post is boring, I feel like it's boring and I don't like it when I bore myself. Maybe it's because I'm tired... Oh well, time for bed!

time for some changes...

I think that it's time for me to make some big changes (haha big changes... like the last 6 months haven't been just that) But with everything that has happened in the last 6 months, I'm taking this as an opportunity for a new start, and I'm serious about this. I'm about to get even more awesome.

Already accomplished:
- graduated college :)
- got off meds :)
- better sleep schedule
- got a car
- found a place to live in Utah (temporarily, until I find a job there)

Those are some of that things that I've accomplished in the last few months that I am quite proud of. Getting off my Concerta is now a matter of staying off of it and finding more natural ways of keeping my ADHD in check, because I don't want to be on a stimulant for the rest of my life!! I've already ready about some natural things that I can start taking and working into my diet that will help. Also the better sleep schedule will help with it, more exercise and eating better, and those things are part of my goals for the future. Oh and by the way, the better sleep schedule things is not an easy things for me haha but I'm doing it! So now for what I have planned for myself for the next little while:

GOALS:
- Work out every day (starting tomorrow Jillian will be helping me with that) I've been trying to do a little every day up until now. I've been trying to count calories, but that is that HARDEST PART! And of course along with that will be losing the weight. My goal is to lose 65-70 lbs. It's going to take a lot of hard work and dedication, and it won't be easy, but I really want it. Lets hope I can make it work.
-Get to the temple more! Once a week would be nice, but if I can even do 2 or 3 times a month that would be great! At least for now. Once I get to Utah it will be a lot closer.
- Leave for Utah within the first week of September. (This is pretty much set, just depends a bit on some other people's schedules.)
- Get a job, in Utah, whatever paying job I can find, and when I can, a job I will love!
- Find an apartment in the city (depending on when I find a job and how much I make)
- Take classes! I graduated college, but I still want to keep learning, and I want to learn more about what I've been studying to maybe help myself have some more experience and more of a specific direction.
- Start fresh, make new friends, get involved with people and in my ward.

So the plan is in motion! Today I feel like I have so much to look forward to! I'm so exited to get going and to really get myself out there and doing my thing. Like I said before, it's time for some major changes :)

one of those weeks

I guess it's just been one of those weeks... ugh, I hate those one of those weeks. I've been particularly emotional this week, and I'm not enjoying it. Pretty sure it's just one of the many joys of being a girl. Really it's been a great week too! My plans are all coming together so awesomely! With lots of help of course. I'm home for a bit to spend time with my family after all that's gone down (and for those of you who just tuning in, divorce has gone down. Long story but he was just really really bad news.) Brought home my first car, and when I say first car I mean that I personally will be paying this little baby off for the next few years. I feel quite proud :) this is Bruce, and 1,000 points to anyone who can tell my why I would pick that name. I dunno if that's a hard question or an easy one. Or if anyone reads my blog lately. Anyway, car, check.

In about a month I will be making the long drive out to Utah where I will be looking for a job and an apartment. Living with my grandparents until I find both, and hopefully both are in the city :) And that is the plan. Everything is going quite well and so far I feel really good about all of this. And don't worry everyone, I've been keeping the Lord as a big part of all my planning! So far, so good. OH and more in the terms of good news, I am, and have been for like 2 weeks (i know that doesn't seem like long but in this case, it is) not been on any medication. Somewhere between growing a lot in the past few months and an added blessing of strength I'm doing really really well without medication (which was for ADHD) ask my parents! It's been going really well and I feel a lot better most days!
      Despite all of this (which I am extremely grateful and excited for) it has just been one of those weeks. Emotional, emotionally draining, and for no reason just downright emotional. I've been a bit lonely. Yea, yea I know everyone says it's a good idea for me to take a break and relax and have some time for myself, and yes those are things I am trying to do, but I don't like having ALL of my time to myself! I need stuff going on around me and as nice as it's been to chill, I don't really have any friends left in New Hampshire, and it's been kind of tough. Nothing I can't handle, but you know, we all know how that can feel sometimes. And sometimes in situations like these you learn who your real friends are. I'm pretty sure most of them are real, I mean as far as I know I stopped imagining friends right after high school!! (that was a joke) And I'll be honest, sometimes it just makes me so angry that someone who pretended to be so nice, and someone who acted like he loved me so much was just a big faker liar selfish poophead. I just don't get how people can do that. Why pretend to be someone that you aren't? Why lie to look better? Why pretend to love someone?? And even if he really did love me, I cannot and will never understand how you can treat someone you love the way that I was treated? Ugh, sorry, just venting. Haha, someone call me. I need someone to real life vent to or I just might start making up imaginary friends.... I know I know, "Nichole just call someone..." but it just doesn't feel that easy. It is that easy but at the same time it isn't, and I pray no one who reads this ever has to understand why that is. I don't even really understand yet? Probably never really will.
    See! See... this is what happens when I'm left with some "time to myself" or possibly just when it starts to get to late for me to think clearly, something else anyone who's ever lived with me or had a sleepover with me, will understand :)
    Man I just wanna get out there!! Get anywhere!! I wanna be out there, anywhere working and saving money and being stinking loaded cuz I'm single (ha jk... kinda) and meeting new people (possibly new and much nicer men people) and just feeling like I'm really doing it! There need to be people around to laugh when I say something comical, because we all know that I have a lot of off handed moments. Maybe I'll hire someone for that one...
    Ok, now it's getting late, can you tell from the last couple paragraphs? Goodnight, and thanks for listening lifeless computer screen, oh and anyone else who reads this :)

oh and btw, these are always supposed to be much shorter than they end up being... I just can't help myself.

Lead Kindly Light

 I really should be sleeping, but clearly, I am not, haha. It's alright, anyone who knows me really would be shocked if I was in bed right now! Nichole's asleep?! And it's not even 2am?! What is the world coming too!

 Today was a rough day. It's been difficult trying to get things figured out or trying to work things out. A few difficult conversations, and a few really good ones. The difficult ones were the ones where things were trying to be worked out, but it is ok.

 For some reason, I have had this song stuck on and off in my head today, and a little yesterday I think. It might have been one I started singing to myself as I was trying to go about my day, and doing my best to keep my head up, but it just stayed stuck. And I think that it stayed stuck for a reason, to help me understand some things as I tried to remember all the words in my head and came home and looked the song up before I went to bed. It's a song that brings great peace of mind and heart to anyone who listens to it, I think.

 Yesterday I talked about how hard it is to not get discouraged with everything that is going on, and trying not to get discouraged with all the things that I suddenly feel buried under. Also, today, after one of my good talks, a very good friend of mine suggested some talks for me to look up. I read through the first one and it helped to calm my crazy and troubled thoughts, and as I searched for said talk, I stumbled upon other talks, that comforted me in ways that I really needed today.

 One talk, was short and simple. It was a personal story written by someone who was going through something very similar to what I'm experiencing. The title of the talk was "With Faith in God, I am never alone"... so true! No matter what the situation, no matter where the hurt is coming from, whether it was my own fault or because of someone else's trials, whether it a lesson to be learned or just any trial that is put in our paths, as long as we have faith in our loving Heavenly Father, we will never be alone. I will never be alone! She talked about how that no matter what, our Heavenly Father will always be there for us if we ask him too. Her story was followed by some council and encouragement from President Uchtdorf, he said...
“He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
“What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.” 


This talk and others that I read through, reminded me of some really important things, that will be important for me to keep in mind as I move forward. One was that not only is this an opportunity to grow, and become a better and stronger person, spiritually and mentally, but it is also an opportunity for me to develop a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. One of the talks I read talked about this very thing, that within our hardest trials and deepest sorrows, can come a relationship with Heavenly Father and our Savior like nothing else, because as we look for peace and understanding in the correct way, we will draw near to them and know them better, and become better. Something else that I was reminded of in these talks was when many of them say something to the affect of "No matter what your circumstance etc, etc..." that no matter what my circumstance, my Father in Heaven always loves me, he always has a way for me to overcome and receive those blessings that I desire, and that there is always hope.

 This song "Lead Kindly Light" has quieted my fears, along with the talks that I read. These things were all answers to my prayer in search of peace. Heavenly Father truly answers our prayers, and is always looking out for us, and doing everything he can to give us the opportunity to be closer to him, and to be better, and ultimately reach or greatest goal.

One other thing, I am so grateful for good friends. For the people who call, who talk, who listen and who love me no matter what. I've recognized also through this trial, that I truly do have Heaven sent friends, and that the Lord truly does send us help and hands to lift us in our time of need :) despite all that is going on, I couldn't be more blessed.

discouragement

 Discouragement... this is the one I'm fighting today. It's hard not to give in to this feeling, but I'm doing my best. I haven't given up yet, things just seem to be piling up so crazily. How am I going to fix this thing, or how am I going to take care of that thing, or how am I going to pick up these pieces and get where I need to be? It's all a bit disheartening, and it's hard to think of all of the things that keep piling on my plate, and not knowing what I'm going to do about all of it! There just doesn't seem to much that I can do. I keep holding on to the feeling that I got, that said that everything is going to be alright, and that I'm going to be alright eventually. It's just hard when I can't see or understand how. But I guess that's how faith and trust work.  

 Discouragement is the adversary's greatest tool against us. Of all the things that he could do, or make us believe, it is to take out greatest troubles and fears and make us think that they are unconquerable. The adversary wants us to think that we can not do it, and that we should just give up. How much easier would his job be if we all just gave up?!

 I'm not ready to give up, but it is really hard to not be able to see how things even could work. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's all about trusting in the Lord and waiting to see what it is that He has planned for me. He has something for me to learn, and maybe I'll have to hit rock bottom before I can get back on my feet and then climb my way back up to the top. 

 Discouragement is a tough one, stupid discouragement!! It should know that it's not going to win, and this feeling should just go away! Screw you discouragement! You can take everything I have and I won't break! And I sound so cliche and overly optimistic right now, but sometimes it's the only way to keep moving forward!     

 I'm not sure why I'm blogging so much all of the sudden, I think it helps to get some things just off my chest, and as far as I know the people that actually read this are people that I would talk to anyway. And possibly because I'm not really on Facebook right now, which has been nice. Anyway, today was a pretty dang good day all things considered. I woke up on time feeling actually quite refreshed! And I walked to class today, it felt pretty nice, it was probably a few miles too, so I feel pretty good about that. My classes were pretty good, and didn't seem to drag on, and even though I was gone to San Francisco for my travel study I still feel pretty confident about being able to get everything finished alright and still keep my grades up. So yea... something this evening though kinda just got me down, nothing too bad, just silly things that make me think about not so silly things that are happening...

what doesn't kill you...

So, this is my theme song for life! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I think that if more people understood this, the world would be a better place. If more girls understood their potential, and who they can be just by being themselves, there would be a lot less heartache. Not to say that things will never hurt, but more people would have the courage to keep pushing forward! There is always more to fight for. There is always something good that we can take away from even the worst situations, some of our worst heartaches can lead us to our greatest accomplishments! The hardest things that we have to do are the things that mold us, shape us, and make us better and stronger than we were before. We learn to fight for what we believe and for what we want, and for the good things that we deserve. Like I said before, it is up to us to choose how we let things affect us and how we react. No matter what happens, or what anyone does, or says, they can never take the truly good things that I have. I'll fight until there's nothing left of me before I let someone take away or make me forget who I am, and all the things that come with it :)

I'm not saying it's not hard, I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, and I'm not even saying I don't cry (gasp!) but sometimes those things are necessary for us to be able to have real courage and develop true strength. Not to mention with all of this struggle and inner turmoil, I might be looking at a promising career as a tormented singer and songwriter with just enough torment to make it sound good! Heck with my own personal series of unfortunate events, I could branch out and start making movies and operas! Oh man, sometimes life is tough!

when it rains....

When it rains, it pours... and pours and pours and pours and then the rivers start to overflow and then there are flash floods, and then the levee breaks and everyone has to start living on houseboats and have a diet of mostly fish and sea food, then we all become mermaids and mermen because all thats left is water, because thats just how hard it seems to be pouring.... on the upside, i might get to be a mermaid! Who wouldn't want that?! Sometimes, our plans don't work out how we think they will, in fact it seems like more often than not, my plans change because there are things that I need to learn. There are some things in life that we can only learn through facing our trials and relying on a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Our trials sometimes come at us in the last way that we ever would have seen them coming, and then you get blindsided just like the the comet that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs... sometimes we have no control over what it is that comes our way, sometimes it's because of the choices of others, sometimes we wish with all our hearts that we could fix what is wrong, or that we could be strong enough to carry the entire load, but that's not the point, and we have to remember that things happen for a reason and usually to make us better than we were before, and we have to remember that other people have their agency, and we can't change the choices that other people make. All we can control is what we choose to do with whatever it is that comes our way. I think something that I'm really learning that it's not really about what the trial is, or why it happens, or whose fault it is or if there even is fault, what really matters is how we choose to respond and what we take away from it... if we can walk away stronger, or more humble, or better in some way than who we were before. What matters is the moments of decision. Do I let myself give in completely to anger, or do I turn the other cheek the best I can... do I just give up on life when it gets too hard or do I look for things to learn and understand. Do I rely on my own methods to push forward, or do I drop to my knees in prayer for understanding and strength? Do I let it ruin me or do I let the power of the atonement wash through me and lead me through my darkest times.

7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. 
8 The Son of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he? 
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

 It's always darkest before the sunrise, and everything will be better in the end, and if it's not better, then it's not the end. So I'm going to take all of this and face it head on, from my knees, seeking guidance and understanding for what I need to do and what I need to learn. Things can only get better from here and as long as I rely on my Savior, everything will be alright. Everything is going to be alright. All I can do is keep praying, and keep doing everything in my power to be the best person I can be, look for opportunities to love and serve others and use all of this as an opportunity to come closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior, and let them make my weak things strong. I still have a long way to go in all of this, and facing some of the hardest things I have ever had to face or do, but I can do it, with all the right help. Everything will be ok.


 (one of my favorite hymns, especially the verses that we don't usually get to sing)
 How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord, Is laid for your faith in his excellent word! What more can he say than to you he hath said, Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior, Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
 In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health, In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth, At home or abroad, on the land or the sea— As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand, As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
 Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow, For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
 When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply. The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume, Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
 E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love; And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still, Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
 The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes; That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

this shirt rocks

this shirt rocks

hey go and vote for me!! or however it works!

life is good

need to update one my goals soon, trying to keep them by writing them down!

finished the hunger games - awesome!!
keeping in touch with everyone :)
had trouble getting started exercising, sick for 2 weeks, run down, today bought the biggest loser workout holy crap i was sweating buckets - things are looking good :)
not allowed to cook meals, probably because of the fear my family has of what i might try/destroy... haha but i'm helping with meals and learning things...
announcements finished!! and on top of that designed a guestbook :) now just need to get things printed out and sent off!!
need to play my guitar and the piano more! definitely havent stopped though

i don't remember what else i had written but i'll get back to this later cuz it's late and i have church at 9am. ALSO! spoke in sacrament meeting last week, i actually feel really good about it, it went really well :)

i miss my friends and my fiance, but this is good, not worrying about homework, helping my little sister out, being here when she turns 16 and getting things planned out!