Lead Kindly Light

 I really should be sleeping, but clearly, I am not, haha. It's alright, anyone who knows me really would be shocked if I was in bed right now! Nichole's asleep?! And it's not even 2am?! What is the world coming too!

 Today was a rough day. It's been difficult trying to get things figured out or trying to work things out. A few difficult conversations, and a few really good ones. The difficult ones were the ones where things were trying to be worked out, but it is ok.

 For some reason, I have had this song stuck on and off in my head today, and a little yesterday I think. It might have been one I started singing to myself as I was trying to go about my day, and doing my best to keep my head up, but it just stayed stuck. And I think that it stayed stuck for a reason, to help me understand some things as I tried to remember all the words in my head and came home and looked the song up before I went to bed. It's a song that brings great peace of mind and heart to anyone who listens to it, I think.

 Yesterday I talked about how hard it is to not get discouraged with everything that is going on, and trying not to get discouraged with all the things that I suddenly feel buried under. Also, today, after one of my good talks, a very good friend of mine suggested some talks for me to look up. I read through the first one and it helped to calm my crazy and troubled thoughts, and as I searched for said talk, I stumbled upon other talks, that comforted me in ways that I really needed today.

 One talk, was short and simple. It was a personal story written by someone who was going through something very similar to what I'm experiencing. The title of the talk was "With Faith in God, I am never alone"... so true! No matter what the situation, no matter where the hurt is coming from, whether it was my own fault or because of someone else's trials, whether it a lesson to be learned or just any trial that is put in our paths, as long as we have faith in our loving Heavenly Father, we will never be alone. I will never be alone! She talked about how that no matter what, our Heavenly Father will always be there for us if we ask him too. Her story was followed by some council and encouragement from President Uchtdorf, he said...
“He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
“What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.” 


This talk and others that I read through, reminded me of some really important things, that will be important for me to keep in mind as I move forward. One was that not only is this an opportunity to grow, and become a better and stronger person, spiritually and mentally, but it is also an opportunity for me to develop a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. One of the talks I read talked about this very thing, that within our hardest trials and deepest sorrows, can come a relationship with Heavenly Father and our Savior like nothing else, because as we look for peace and understanding in the correct way, we will draw near to them and know them better, and become better. Something else that I was reminded of in these talks was when many of them say something to the affect of "No matter what your circumstance etc, etc..." that no matter what my circumstance, my Father in Heaven always loves me, he always has a way for me to overcome and receive those blessings that I desire, and that there is always hope.

 This song "Lead Kindly Light" has quieted my fears, along with the talks that I read. These things were all answers to my prayer in search of peace. Heavenly Father truly answers our prayers, and is always looking out for us, and doing everything he can to give us the opportunity to be closer to him, and to be better, and ultimately reach or greatest goal.

One other thing, I am so grateful for good friends. For the people who call, who talk, who listen and who love me no matter what. I've recognized also through this trial, that I truly do have Heaven sent friends, and that the Lord truly does send us help and hands to lift us in our time of need :) despite all that is going on, I couldn't be more blessed.

discouragement

 Discouragement... this is the one I'm fighting today. It's hard not to give in to this feeling, but I'm doing my best. I haven't given up yet, things just seem to be piling up so crazily. How am I going to fix this thing, or how am I going to take care of that thing, or how am I going to pick up these pieces and get where I need to be? It's all a bit disheartening, and it's hard to think of all of the things that keep piling on my plate, and not knowing what I'm going to do about all of it! There just doesn't seem to much that I can do. I keep holding on to the feeling that I got, that said that everything is going to be alright, and that I'm going to be alright eventually. It's just hard when I can't see or understand how. But I guess that's how faith and trust work.  

 Discouragement is the adversary's greatest tool against us. Of all the things that he could do, or make us believe, it is to take out greatest troubles and fears and make us think that they are unconquerable. The adversary wants us to think that we can not do it, and that we should just give up. How much easier would his job be if we all just gave up?!

 I'm not ready to give up, but it is really hard to not be able to see how things even could work. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's all about trusting in the Lord and waiting to see what it is that He has planned for me. He has something for me to learn, and maybe I'll have to hit rock bottom before I can get back on my feet and then climb my way back up to the top. 

 Discouragement is a tough one, stupid discouragement!! It should know that it's not going to win, and this feeling should just go away! Screw you discouragement! You can take everything I have and I won't break! And I sound so cliche and overly optimistic right now, but sometimes it's the only way to keep moving forward!     

 I'm not sure why I'm blogging so much all of the sudden, I think it helps to get some things just off my chest, and as far as I know the people that actually read this are people that I would talk to anyway. And possibly because I'm not really on Facebook right now, which has been nice. Anyway, today was a pretty dang good day all things considered. I woke up on time feeling actually quite refreshed! And I walked to class today, it felt pretty nice, it was probably a few miles too, so I feel pretty good about that. My classes were pretty good, and didn't seem to drag on, and even though I was gone to San Francisco for my travel study I still feel pretty confident about being able to get everything finished alright and still keep my grades up. So yea... something this evening though kinda just got me down, nothing too bad, just silly things that make me think about not so silly things that are happening...

what doesn't kill you...

So, this is my theme song for life! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I think that if more people understood this, the world would be a better place. If more girls understood their potential, and who they can be just by being themselves, there would be a lot less heartache. Not to say that things will never hurt, but more people would have the courage to keep pushing forward! There is always more to fight for. There is always something good that we can take away from even the worst situations, some of our worst heartaches can lead us to our greatest accomplishments! The hardest things that we have to do are the things that mold us, shape us, and make us better and stronger than we were before. We learn to fight for what we believe and for what we want, and for the good things that we deserve. Like I said before, it is up to us to choose how we let things affect us and how we react. No matter what happens, or what anyone does, or says, they can never take the truly good things that I have. I'll fight until there's nothing left of me before I let someone take away or make me forget who I am, and all the things that come with it :)

I'm not saying it's not hard, I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, and I'm not even saying I don't cry (gasp!) but sometimes those things are necessary for us to be able to have real courage and develop true strength. Not to mention with all of this struggle and inner turmoil, I might be looking at a promising career as a tormented singer and songwriter with just enough torment to make it sound good! Heck with my own personal series of unfortunate events, I could branch out and start making movies and operas! Oh man, sometimes life is tough!

when it rains....

When it rains, it pours... and pours and pours and pours and then the rivers start to overflow and then there are flash floods, and then the levee breaks and everyone has to start living on houseboats and have a diet of mostly fish and sea food, then we all become mermaids and mermen because all thats left is water, because thats just how hard it seems to be pouring.... on the upside, i might get to be a mermaid! Who wouldn't want that?! Sometimes, our plans don't work out how we think they will, in fact it seems like more often than not, my plans change because there are things that I need to learn. There are some things in life that we can only learn through facing our trials and relying on a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Our trials sometimes come at us in the last way that we ever would have seen them coming, and then you get blindsided just like the the comet that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs... sometimes we have no control over what it is that comes our way, sometimes it's because of the choices of others, sometimes we wish with all our hearts that we could fix what is wrong, or that we could be strong enough to carry the entire load, but that's not the point, and we have to remember that things happen for a reason and usually to make us better than we were before, and we have to remember that other people have their agency, and we can't change the choices that other people make. All we can control is what we choose to do with whatever it is that comes our way. I think something that I'm really learning that it's not really about what the trial is, or why it happens, or whose fault it is or if there even is fault, what really matters is how we choose to respond and what we take away from it... if we can walk away stronger, or more humble, or better in some way than who we were before. What matters is the moments of decision. Do I let myself give in completely to anger, or do I turn the other cheek the best I can... do I just give up on life when it gets too hard or do I look for things to learn and understand. Do I rely on my own methods to push forward, or do I drop to my knees in prayer for understanding and strength? Do I let it ruin me or do I let the power of the atonement wash through me and lead me through my darkest times.

7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. 
8 The Son of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he? 
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

 It's always darkest before the sunrise, and everything will be better in the end, and if it's not better, then it's not the end. So I'm going to take all of this and face it head on, from my knees, seeking guidance and understanding for what I need to do and what I need to learn. Things can only get better from here and as long as I rely on my Savior, everything will be alright. Everything is going to be alright. All I can do is keep praying, and keep doing everything in my power to be the best person I can be, look for opportunities to love and serve others and use all of this as an opportunity to come closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior, and let them make my weak things strong. I still have a long way to go in all of this, and facing some of the hardest things I have ever had to face or do, but I can do it, with all the right help. Everything will be ok.


 (one of my favorite hymns, especially the verses that we don't usually get to sing)
 How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord, Is laid for your faith in his excellent word! What more can he say than to you he hath said, Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior, Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
 In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health, In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth, At home or abroad, on the land or the sea— As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand, As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
 Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow, For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
 When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply. The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume, Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
 E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love; And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still, Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
 The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes; That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

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