broken....

mmhmm yea i'm broken!! Monday September 20th, didn't make it to class that day cuz I was exhausted!! I had a late night Sunday night helping someone out... so I went up to campus late to work on homework, and i rode my long board to class because i'm to lazy to walk.... i studied for like 3 hours and found myself too tired and sore to go on! i actually discovered that I was ahead in my science class with one of the lessons, but behind with another cuz i mixed them up! bummer... but i was done for the day i was so out of it, plus my back was sore cuz it just does that sometimes... so i boarded home, down the REALLY big hill in Rexburg... bad plan.... but i didn't want to walk and it just felt so good soaring down the hill!! until the end right there... i got going just a bit to fast and my board started wobbling from speed... and I biffed it hardcore!!! i went down wicked hard at like at least 30mph... i remember hitting my head, my shoulder.... and everything else... i felt wicked out of it and a bit dizzy right after and somehow managed to stand up and walk to the side of the road and pull out my phone to call Tricia, cuz i knew i was hurt bad. I could see my apartment from where I was sitting... Before i got much further a car of girls pulled over and offered to help me... at first I said I was fine and thought I could just make it home, or that my roommates could just come help me. Almost as soon as i tried to send them away I started to hurt, and realized that i was going to need these three girls help. So I accepted, one of them grabbed my board, one grabbed my bag, and the other one helped me into the car, and they also helped me into the house. I walked in the door holding my arm and the flood gates were about to come crashing down. Tricia was sitting on the couch with her friend on the couch and Jessica was at the table. I stumbled in, looked at Tricia and said "i crashed" she didn't quite catch it at first. "I crashed on my skateboard...." She jumped up, ran over and sat me down on the couch. I was starting to realize just how much pain I was in. oh heavens it hurt, and just kept getting worse. We decided that i needed a doctor. I called my parents to explain the situation and then I asked Tricia to help me change into shorts cuz my jeans just didn't feel good. We stood up and she walked me away from the couch, halfway across the room the pain became excruciating, and shot through my right shoulder. I started collapsing. I've never hurt so much in my life... everything started going white, and quiet and echoey... it was terrible!! I started sweating but I'm pretty sure I stayed conscious.... but i was right on the edge!! Tricia told me later that my eyes had been dilating as well... lame. So 3 guys had to carry me to the car and we went to the ER... a few x-rays and examinations later i was told that my collar bone was indeed broken, not to mention i did a nasty number on my all of me. I don't even know how many times a different part of my body hit the ground... all the places that are bruised and scratched don't even make sense!! I have road rash on the right side of my head, my right shoulder, a little on my right elbow, my right hip then a tiny bit on my right knee, more on my left knee, and my big left toe... my left shoe was destroyed, i ripped my tank top and everything is bruised!! my right collar, shoulder, and entire right arm are wicked swollen!! My fingers are so swollen that my ctr ring will not come off at all!!! my ribs, especially on my left side are soooo sore, and my right side from my ribs and down my leg is wicked stiff and sore, like i can barely lift my leg, and my whole leg just feels swollen... holy.crap. man it sucks, especially since i'm right handed. i'm trying to get things worked out with school and need to go see an orthopedist sometime soon so that they can make sure it heals properly. The bone is broken and slightly offset, so when it does heal it will be slightly deformed. The only thing that didn't get hurt was my left hand/wrist cuz i was already wearing a brace on that wrist from my last injury. And so i've been laid out and drugged up since Monday night... my roommates have been so kind to me!! They have all been here for me to help or whatever, even when i'm stubborn about it :) Tricia was with me the whole time right after. All in the hospital and she got me dinner after. oh man... honestly i'm lucky to be as alright as i am... and lucky to be so loved and looked out for!! :) more to come later.... 6 weeks seems like a long time!!

summer comes to an end...

It is my last day at home, I'll be leaving tomorrow. 7 weeks was not a sufficient amount of time to rest after 4 months of death and destruction. And for the semester I had,m that's a slight understatement, although I do tend to exaggerate. So it's my last day home and what am I doing? Sitting in the basement, in my torn apart not bedroom, staring at the wall and making sure that nothing goes wrong and my dad saws a hole in the concrete foundation, so that they can put a bigger window in the basement. yay. Despite my sarcasm and and boredom about how I'm spending my last days at home, it is safe to say that almost all of the days of summer before this were awesome!! I had a wicked fun summer!! I didn't get to do some of the things that I had hoped to do, partly due to the fact that I hurt my wrist and couldn't do some things, but I still had a wicked fun summer!! Probly it was one of my best so far. I got to spend a lot of time with Kelsey! And when I say a lot, I mean a lot! Like a few days a week a lot, haha we had a blast! There was a lot of time where we were just hanging around, we didn't get to have as many big adventures this summer as we would have, because of a lot of other stuff going on, but that's ok, and when winter time comes, the world had better watch out! Yeslek and Elochin will be back and saving the day!! capes, togas, yellow jumpsuits and all!! :) oh the fun we will have! We spent all this past week together, so much fun. And I got to spend some time with Joe too, love that kid. AND a few weeks ago Kels took me to see the most AMAZING firework show I have ever seen in my life! It was spectacular!! It was all done to amazing music. Probly it was epic! I had a good time with my family as well!! It's good to be older and more understanding of some things, and have time to spend with my family, it's a lot of fun! We had some interesting and not so fun things happen as well, we almost made it through without them, but that would be asking too much now wouldn't it. But I guess that really what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger! ... most of the time ;)... so is life. Tomorrow I travel back to Rexburg, getting in quite late, as usual. Probly I am a bit nervous to have all new roommates, could be interesting. And all the other crazy stuff going on?! holy cow! But I do have actually a really good feeling about this coming semester... I don't know why, but I can't help but feeling like some really good things are going to happen and I'm going to have a really good time. I don't know, I just have a really good feeling. I had a wicked good feeling about the housing I found, and about my classes and just everything in general, and it's one of those legit things are going to be good one way or another feelings. :) so, as sad as I am to leave, which is incredibly sad, because I will miss Kels sooooo much and Joe a ton! And my family a bunch! So, as incredibly sad as I am to go, I have a good feeling about this semester :) keep your fingers crossed for me and my sometimes misinterpreted good feelings :)

oops.

great. my blog is going to turn into a lame and boring personification of every single immature girl on the face of the planet. lovely!!

bittersweet memories

So remember the episode of Gilmore girls, right near the end, but not quite the end. Karaoke night, Lorelai get's up after having one to many and sings a Dolly inspired version of "I Will Always Love You" and just as she's getting into the big part and suddenly Luke walks into the back of the pub and Lorelai starts to lose her composure and suddenly she realizes she's singing to him, and everyone noticed, yea that one... all I can say is, the last time I watched that one I was not in such a good place with it, in fact about the same place as she is. Anyway, note to self, and anyone who ever feels the need to remind me, no more attaching painful memories to ANYTHING!! wow, i sound like a broken record over here. Lame. lamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelamelame.

...and then what?

hmm... haha here we go again... another late night... er early morning rant. But hey as long as I have a blog that will listen to me without complaining, I might as well use it! :) This just might sound like so many other people who like to complain about cliche and typical things.... but it's not. It's not that because I'm not just your cliche, typical kind of girl. Then again, it is almost 5 in the morning....
So what next? I'm just gonna up and say it... it's hard. It's hard getting on facebook or wherever everyday and seeing a new set of wedding pictures posted, or another mission call, or whatever else... mostly that first one. How long am I going to have to wait?! Everyone seems to have something coming and going for them... I've honestly lost count of how many of my friends got married this summer, and if not that, they've been leaving and returning from missions, working on grad school, starting families, all kinds of things... I thought about a mission, it's just not in the cards right now, neither is grad school. Those things are awesome and wonderful for the people who are pursuing them! It makes me soooo happy to see my friends progress and chase their dreams, and do the things that they need to be doing. It makes me happier than anyone could ever know to watch my friends find their eternal companions and get to go to the temple, or to watch as the friends I grew up with are having families... getting to watch and be nearby, and in someways, a part of all of their lives still.... It makes me so happy!! I can't even tell you!!! but... when on earth will it be my turn?!? I trust my Heavenly Father, so much. I know He has an important plan for me, and that it's all constantly in the working. But unfortunately patients is not always one of my stronger attributes. I want to be loved like that, I'm ready and willing to give that love to someone. I want to go to the temple, and I have the goal for myself to do that right before I get married, which still feels right. Ever just saying it, it feels like I'm never going to get "there". I know, it sounds ridiculous... but my entire being aches to find those things. Love, the temple, a family.... oh boy. I don't know what else to do. I'm doing my best, to be my best and trying so hard to become all that Heavenly Father needs me to be. I'm trying to be my best self... I do all that I can, but really I don't ever quite know what I'm doing. I'm sorry if this sounds familiar, or like the same stupid rant that so many go on... but it's not those things.... it's so much deeper than that... but hey this is me... i'm only a decent writer. Have me write you a song about it and I can drive you to tears :) oh heavens... what am I gonna do. I trust Heavenly Father, but not always myself... pretty sure I have a part to do, and sometimes I worry I'll miss my cue. Oh man, it hurts soooo much, I can't even tell you!! I guess it could be worse though.... at least I'm not ugly!!! :)
Anyway.... yes I'm terribly sad about this whole thing, but I do find reasons to smile every day, and remember that life is so worth living!! :) My hand is injured... for those who don't know I did something to it... in a skateboarding accident... probly ruined some ligaments. Lame. And typing this has made it hurt but it needed to be out... my work never did give me hours, lame... A little less than 2 weeks left. My heart is torn... honestly I'm not ready to go back quite yet. 7 weeks just isn't long enough for a summer break!! But I am excited to see Kayleen and her family, and meet her new little boy!!! I've already started getting to know one of my soon to be roommates (i don't know any of them) but one of them found me on facebook and we chatted a bit... come to find out her brother served his mission here when I was in high school. And he remembered me!! Does anyone remember the kid that ate like 32 pancakes at seminary/breakfast at the Kilger's that one time... haha yea, that's right. small world!!! Mom and dad are still out of town visiting the LDSBC with Melissa, so it's still just me and Tabitha. Kelsey's coming to hang out for a couple days on wednesday, which I'm looking forward too, and mom and dad will be home wed. night.

it's been a while

So needless to say it's been a while since I have posted anything. That's what we call, getting through finals not being able to walk, moving out, traveling home, trying to get my job back, hanging out with Kels for a week, learning to be at home again, so on and so forth. And really that's about all that's happened lately. I should be getting my job back for a bit. And I finally found a place to live for the fall!!! It's wicked nice and brand new!! Way more expensive than we would usually do but hey it's a place to live! School should be interesting this fall, I have a pretty good feeling though... this is gonna be my semester :) I can feel it!! more later...

uh oh.

haha so last Friday I started feeling wicked sick, I think my roommate and I had a bug over the fourth of July weekend, and a little longer... she's getting much better pretty quickly, she's actually out for a run right now. I'm still stuck on the couch. I went to the doctor on Tuesday to be checked out. They took my blood and did some tests. The doctor came back in and said it's NOT mono (which is what I'd been worried about) but we still had some things to talk about... my red blood cell count is very low, which means dun duh dun! I'm anemic, my iron is wicked low! dangit. Yea this has happened before, but never ever this bad, never to the extent that I couldn't walk for more than a few seconds without needing help. I've never been so sick in me life. Well I guess it's not really sick, it's just a severe lack of something in my body... which can be bad. So now I'm taking iron pills and trying to eat better and such, but I think it must be pretty bad if I'm still so weak and dizzy. In a desperate attempt to find a way to actually pass my classes this semester, I called and went back to the doctor... I walked in to the rain, hoping they would have a solution for me, or at least something to help. The nurse walks in and says "ok so we're just doing the shot right?" I'm sure that my eyes got wider than they've ever been in my life. "A SHOT?!?" I screamed in my mind... then little by little panic started to set it. I actually handled it quite well considering. I kept myself under control, said a prayer and kept breathing. I called Hannah to keep myself distracted, and then I got a shot!! In the butt. Weirdest things ever, but it didn't hurt and I can walk for the first time in like a week!! It'll only last about a week or two, but that's just enough to get me through the semester!! So now off to the ceramics lab to work!! :)

throwing in the towel...

yes.... yes i am. or i might be. it's too early to really tell. I probably won't really but right now I am. Probably it sucks trying to find love and fall into it... I'm sure that once you find it, that it is most definitely worth the pain and the heartache that you put into it... but what if you don't find it? Does that mean that the pain and heartache were all for nothing?! Nothing more than useless hope and broken dreams. Why should I get my hopes up?! Ok, ok i know better than that, but I'm impatient and it's so hard to look and see the big picture when nothing has even almost worked well... I'm frustrated and this is stupid. I don't like this game called life anymore...
At least I know that some of the people around me are happy and being taken care of.... really I want that more than anything.

i'm sorry... it's bad... you've been diagnosed with..... homesickness?!?!

Homesick?! What do you mean homesick?! I've never been homesick!! What am I supposed to do now?? How do I make it go away?? I clearly can't go home, and probly they don't make medicine for this type of thing... I've never been homesick in my life... there have been times when I had friend or roommate problems and home was the only other place that I could think to be, or ya know stuff like that, but never in my life have I actually been homesick. It's very weird and very new feeling... I don't like it. I wish I'd had more time, or I wish that I could be in two places at once, or that I could fly... and just visit on the weekends! What is this crap?! *sigh* well... other than that things are going quite well. Thanks to a lot of prayers, all of the confusion was worked out and I'm situated... still unpacking and getting back into the swing of things, but it's hard because I want to have fun... and I want to have adventures... maybe it's senioritis.... yea probly... and mixed with homesickness... and blah blah blah...
Yesterday I went and spent most of the day with Kayleen... I mailed a package, and printed some pictures and got most of the rest of my art stuff. It was really fun to be able to hang out and talk with Kayleen. Then today my roommates and I went to the temple... I really needed it today, there has been a lot weighing on my mind as of late and I really needed to go and sort some things out... gah! I hate this feeling, it's so weird and not a nice feeling and I just want it to go away!! It's such a different feeling than the other emotions I've felt... and I know my emotions!! This is just a feeling I don't like... I don't understand it and so I don;t like it. Homesick really almost feels sick... i hate it. Haha I keep asking my roommate Meghan about homesickness.... I know that the first time we lived together she got homesick a lot and I used to worry, and I didn't really understand. And I keep just feeling this weird feeling that comes when I think about my family or my friends, so I keep asking her questions about it. haha it's kinda funny to think of it that way.
Wow I sound so negative... I'm really not... life has been good to me lately... even through the hard stuff, my life really is more than I ever could have asked for. It's really a wonderful blessing to be able to come to a university and study art and music. I really am truly grateful and so very blessed.
Tomorrow will be my first day in my new ward, it will hopefully be fun. It should be cool to meet new people and to get a new calling and all sorts of stuff, and I need to make sure I get my homework done. bah! This stupid feeling needs to leave.... now...

sooner than it seems life turns around....

So I just skimmed over my last post, and I don't sound like a very happy person! well maybe mot that bad, but i don't think i was on the up side of life. so i decided that i should update!! even though i don't think anyone reads this.... someone should read it. Anyway in my last post i was quite sad about not having any friends here, and i missed my far away friends so much. Heavenly Father hears my prayers and answers them :) Pronly sometime right after that last post I went to a dance and met my new best friend aka another best friend! It was miraculous! I don't think I've ever really experienced having an instant best friend, usually people have to get used to me first and then decide, but not this time! It's so cool! She's made being here and everything a whole lot easier!! and A LOT more fun! I feel so blessed.... also, not long after that post, I found a job!! as an inventory taker!! not the most fun job ever, but i get $9/hr and hey it's a job!! Life is crazy, but I most definitely have not been left alone to face it. I've been blessed with more than help and strength than I could have ever asked for!! It's been wonderful to watch the tender mercies of the Lord happen in my life... so wonderful and I've learned so much, and though life is still difficult at times, and I still have many... many weak moments I don't know if I've ever felt more blessed!! Not that I haven;t been, because I definitely have been.... maybe i've just been able to see it better. For the first time i think ever i'm wicked torn about going back to school! I've found so many good things and learned so much and been so blessed not to mention made an amazing friend in the last 3 months. It's been amazing :)

*sigh*

Oh man, things are so crazy right now! In New Hampshire, not really many friends, a crazy sister, job hunting. No matter what I wish or think, I know that I absolutely did the right thing by choosing to stay home, but it's not my favorite thing ever.... I love my family so much... it's just weird... especially now. I can totally do this, but I miss my friends sooooo much! so much!! I haven't found a job yet either. I keep planning to make calls, I have every intention to do so, but life had been so crazy lately so it kinda just falls to the side. I know whatever needs to happen will, I'm doing my very best to have th faith that I need to do this, but it's not easy. Then again, life is not supposed to be easy, just worth it... we have adopted 2 little kittens though!! They're sooo cute!! :) They're actually both cuddling on the couch with me right now, they're sleeping though, I should be, but i'm not yet. The craziness never seems to stop. It's ok though, i can do this, I can do anything! :)