blood everywhere!!!

So yesterday I went to the park in Merrimack with my sisters to take Melissa's senior pictures! It went really well, the camera I had to use was being kinda lame, but we done good none the less! Anyway, as our little adventure was coming to a close, we were just kinda goofing off in the park when suddenly Tabitha says "uh Nichole, my foot is bleeding" and I turn, expecting to see like a little cut right? Oh let's get you a bandaid kind of cut right? But no, I turn and see my sister standing over a small puddle of blood that was slowly getting bigger, all over the top of her foot, her flip flop and now the playground! Oh crap time to go! It was pretty bad. She didn't know how it had happened. It didn't hurt too much either but she really doesn't like bleeding, not the blood, she just doesn't like the bleeding part. So I pick her up on my back and start heading up the hill out of the park, and it wasn't a gradual little hill either. So i carry my sister who is practically as big as my, up and into the car while Melissa cals our parents. A nice man gave us a diaper and some wipes to clean here up and wrap around it until we could get her home. So we got home and Rich fixed it up the best he could until my parents got home. Now she's glued and wrapped up. It was quite the adventure! Late my mom told me and Rich that the nurse was impressed by all that we did for her and that we knew what to do! :) anyway...

9 days!!! peace out!

blah blah blah...

Ok, so for the most part, I've been pretty dang positive lately! I enjoy it, things are so much lighter on that high... but right now I'm just plain sad! Am I the only one who misses my friends when I leave school? It seems like everyone falls off the face of the earth every time! And then I come here where the only people I know are the primary kids and their parents! I'm getting really lonely!! I hate being lonely!!! And feeling lonely does not help the predicament I've been in this summer.... gah! Sometimes I just want to be like

"Hi (insert name here), remember me! Remember how we are friends whether you like it or not, except you do cuz I'm awesome and you're awesome and that's just how it is? So since you like me and I like you remember that just because you can't see me doesn't mean I'm not here! I'm like Santa Claus, I mean how many of us ever really saw him come down the chimney? And yet every year we all still wrot him letters right? Soo, drop me a line sometime!! Call , email, chat, text, anything!!! Anything to let me know that you still remember who I am, (and that I exsist... like Santa). Because I am bored here, and lonely here, because I have no friends left in Mew Hampshire, they all left. All I have are my friends that are scattered across the country, busy having a life when I can't even get one of those! Come on people!!

yours truly,
Nichole

The worst is when I say hi and people don't respond! Maybe I am still trying to figure out how this friendship things works, and maybe you aren't supposed to talk to or think about them when you aren't around them, but that seems a little whacked? That sounded wicked corny. But that's what happens to a positive little ball of energy like me, who has nowhere to focus it all! Man I'm such a good friend, well I try to be! But it just seems like not enough sometimes.
I guess it's not like I haven't heard from anyone. Maybe today I just woke up especially bored or lonely. eh. Well I guess I head back to school in like a week anyway! Here's hoping for the best. Keep moving forward. :)

keep moving forward... (warning this is rambling)

That's what I keep telling myself... or keep climbing ;). I know that we're promised that we won't be given more than we can handle. I know that we will be stretched as far as we can be without breaking... sometimes we have to hit rock bottom, and then the only way we have to go is up. Well for starters, I haven't hit rock bottom, actually I've been at the top for a bit now :) but it's like the song says "I climb this far, you raise the bar, you want my heart..." so basically I reached the top and now the bar has been raised... I'm still staying close to the top, and still have faith in my ability and faith in the heavenly strength that I receive. Some days though, it hurts... it usually doesn't show, at least not what anyone can see. I'm trying to be positive, I don't want anyone to think that just because things are hard that I'm faltering, because I'm not... but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. Sometimes it has to... I know that I won't be handed more that I can handle, and I know that I have unlimited help if I do what I'm supposed to... but sometimes I wonder what else is at work here... What if the adversary does have hold of one or two of these people and that is part of what's pulling downward?! Even when I'm doing all that I can, walking through this "dark cloud" is exhausting. It's hard to explain.... It's like this... I'm good, I'm great with me and everything that I'm working to become, I personally am in a wonderful place... still needs some work, it always will but still I'm all good. BUT I've walked in to a heavy and difficult situation where it hurts mostly because everyone around me seems to be hurting! And there's almost nothing that I can do, and of course I do what I can... Everyone seems so sad or lost, or hurt... even lost without even realizing it, which is just as sad... It just get's so frustrating and sometimes I become the focus of someone else's anger or frustration and it's tough, I'm staying strong, I'm doing good, but it won't be surprising if I take a night when I get back out west to just let it all go and out. I promise that I'm not just putting on a happy face, no, I'm avoiding that when I can, I really have stayed happy. OOh here it's like, well like a climb! Or a hike, you start and you go and go and go and go and it hurts but you love it because you love climbing! So there's no way that you'll ever give in because you have the strength and determination to push to the top, you love climbing, so you finish the climb no matter how hard it hurts, and if you can get to the top in one piece then it will be glorious! But once the pushing and the exhiliration, passion and pain are gone, you just lose it! You cry for the pain and the heartache, and you cry because you did it and you pushed through and did everything you could to stay strong... you cry because your strength might not have been enough for those who were faltering and they are still struggling more than me... Let's face it, sometimes life hurts, and sometimes mortality calls for us to be strong and stay tough in times of trouble. Even if it's not fun or easy and in the end, we all might cry or shout or anything!

So long story short, life is hard now, this is hard... But i'm staying happy with myself and strong through it all! But when I can breathe and let my guard down a bit I'm sure that I'll just let it all out! The End

Nichole

Bad Day?

Yes I think so, even the best of us have those. And maybe it's just on those worst of days that we feel like the world has let us down. I'm sure that tomorrow I'll wake up and calm down and realize the good and the bad and see what I can work on. No, the world hasn't really let me down, it likes me too much, but I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because it seems to me that my family does not take the time to recognize or let's say understand... For the most part I can handle all of this, and I can take care of myself, be that as it may, there will still be things that need to be recognized and understood! blah.

Nichole

click, click, clique, click, clique,,,

What's that noise?! oh wait... ha, it's people that never learn! It's so ridiculous how cliqueish things are here. I go to church on Sunday, to the singles ward, mostly because my dad is in the bishopric, and boy does it seem like they "clique". Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, I've met some really nice kids, and I get along with just about anyone anyway. But you walk into a room, and the same people are always sitting with all the same people, always. And the same people always sit alone, every week. It's kind of sad. I understand that friend hang out with friends and we all have our people that we're more comfortable with. Boy do I understand that fact of life. But the kids who sit alone, are treated like the kids that sit alone, at least it seems that way. And granted not by everyone, just a few, but still. I see people falling away or not having there heart in it, because they don't feel welcome or they don't feel loved, they aren't recieving the support that they need from the people that are supposed to, well support them. My heart aches for them. Both sides of the spectrum need to be reevaluated by everyone. First of all, if there is one thing that everyone need, it is a friend! I'll be the first to admit that I love having and being around my friends, it just feels good. But we all need to BE a friend too, to any and everyone. BUT something else that some of these people need to look at is the reason that they are going to church in the first place? If you're doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do then isn't that enough? And here's the thing, both of these arguments can be bounced back and forth for hours, with all sorts of underlying reasoning, general or specific. Both sides of the street, when you think about it, are just ridiculous. Then again we are all human and we seem to get better and better at being ridiculous. Bummer huh? I've heard of the same type of stuff is my home ward too, I haven't physically seen it, but I've seen it in people's eyes and I hear it in their voices and I hear stories. Are you really at church trying to be popular? Why not be everyone's friend, you're all reaching for the same thing, and if someone is strugling, what better thing to do than help, or reach out, because in doing that we are blessed and it just feels so dang good! The people who are falling, the ones who are unsure and still haven't found their footing, need one thing so much, and that's someone who will stand with them as they try to gain their balance and understanding. There is no need to look down on people who are not a carbon copy of yourself, or who are struggling. I just don't get it. It think that sometimes, without even realizing it the leaders do it to some kids too. These kids looking for attention, the ones who are needing the attention are being looked over as the "obnoxious" kid who's just there to cause trouble. But in reality they need someone to be there for them, but they're labeled and unfortunately that's just that. I feel like this summer I've watched so many people fall away (or start to fall) because they didn't have the support they needed. Come on people how hard is it. And not just this summer, in the past few years even. It's heartbreaking. Again some should learn to not be so easily offended and remember the big picture but still... Again, both sides of this story could be argued for hours, but come one, be a friend. It won't kill you, in fact it'll probably have the opposite effect. And don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming everyone for the choices that some people make. We have our agency and we all do as we please with it. Hopefully we use it the right way, but that doesn't always happen. But are you doing all you can? Have you offered a hand and they absolutely refuse to take it? If so I commend you on your efforts, but take the time to think about it... Think about some of the things that pull you through your messes, cuz heck we all have them. And see if you're doing all the you can.
Ha I just love getting on my soapboxes! Ok, besides that today was a pretty good day. I tried to get to bed earlier last night because I've completely destroyed my sleeping schedule, and that just made it harder to fall asleep... my bad. And so I didn't make it to the family ward today, but I did make it to the singles ward. It was nice, went to choir so on, and so on. My sister has started working on some things, I'm so proud of her. I'm still nervous though. It seems that she is already moving along, but in this situation that could last a day, it's a day by day thing. We'll just keep praying there, and my brother too. With him, sometimes it's alright, sometimes it's just not. Hopefully he's making some progress.
I went to a baptism after church today. A girl was babtized into our ward. Her name is Willow and she's 17? She's a sweetheart and the whole meeting was beautiful. The youth sang the EFY medly and another song later that I haven't heard before but it was all beautiful and Willow even got up and bore her testimony. It was all so beautiful. It made my whole day! Probably my week. :)
Off to bed now because SIXFLAGS TOMORROW!!!!

Nichole

mommy where's my nightlight?

Is my nightlight even enough though? Man those things used to be great! It was just enough light that it wasn't dark and not too much light to keep me awake! But I think I might need enough light to keep everyone awake... we're talking searchlight. A searchlight that cuts through the darkness like a knife! The fog just seems to keep getting thicker and it's getting harder to see through the mists. I hope that my light is enough to make a difference, even a dent in the fog so that the light of the sun can break through and clear the darkness. It's not easy to be a pillar of light when you're choking on the thickness of the air, but I will not stop trying. Tonight sitting at the dinner table was kind of sad. No one would look at anyone else, let alone speak, it felt like someone had died. It's hard to find any kind of positive emotion. There are the ones who are angry with life and anyone or anything else that they can blame for their problems. Everyone else seems to have lost hope for any kind of forward or upward motion. Some have lost even the desire to try. Some lack the respect the should have for the people around them or even themselves, and most are incredibly tightly wound and very stressed! It's like being in a mine field, my next step could be harmless, or it could be the one that sets off a reactions of explosions across the field. And as soon as I've made it to the end of that field, wouldn't you know it, there's another one. Fortunately I'm still me :) I seem to be able to stay standing through the storm. I've been able to hold on to all of myself. Heaven knows I'm not doing it on my own :) haha fine by me though I'll take all the help I can get. Not that it isn't very hard at times, it hurts like heck and sometimes it makes me feel sick inside, but nonetheless I'm pushing through. :)
D&C 88:6-9
6 He that ^aascended up on high, as also he ^bdescended below all things, in that he ^ccomprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the ^dlight of truth;

7 Which truth shineth. This is the ^alight of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was ^bmade.

8 As also he is in the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made;

9 As also the light of the stars, and the power thereof by which they were made;

It's not all bad though, my goal has been to find the positive in all of this and take note of our "up" moments. We all went out running errands tonight all together, and for the most part it was quite fun, and when my family has fun, well, it is fun. We kind of got kicked out of the Goodwill store... when i say kicked out, I mean that they let us know that we had missed their closing announcement and had us leave. Oddly enough there were still people in the store when we walked by later on... who knows, we probably didn't really get kicked out but it seemed that way :) ha oops and I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out of the second store, we were all playing with every cool looking thing we could find, my parents included.
Unfortunately by the time we got home the dark cloud had started to settle again. But I take those little moments for all they're worth.
In other news, I tried graffiti art today! It was great!! ha It definitely looks like a first time piece of work, but still not too shabby! It was a lot of fun and I think it'll be something that I keep working at. I'm kind of excited to get back to school, there are a few classes that I'm really looking forward too, and of course people that I'm eager to see. For now I'll just keep doing what I can. Keep moving forward.

Nichole

Growing Up??

Growing up... Years ago I thought I knew what it meant, and I thought I wanted it! In many ways I was right, in a few ways I was wrong... but either way it wasn't what i expected. I've learned so much. First of all, I am me, and it is wonderful no matter what, because I am who I am an I'm happy with that, I love myself :) all I am and all I have the potential to become, and if there's something I'm not happy about, then I have the option to make it better. Second of all, I can't change other people. I can't fix them and I can't save everyone, but I can let myself love any and everyone for who they are, just as I want to be loved for all that I am. Third, it's ok! It's ok to FAIL and to do it in a big way... why? because that's how we learn. It's ok to trust people, it's ok to let people love me and to let people in. It's ok to hurt, but at the same time, it's ok to get over it, there's no reason. And when people really love you, they'll push there way in anyway. That's how I learned what real friendship is. Holding on to the things that hurt you only hurt you more, it's like holding a hot coal after it's already burned you! I've learned so much, and have so much more to learn!! And I'm so excited to do it! I've gained a wonderful outlook on life and plan to keep it that way! I have high hopes for the future, I have dreams to reach for, big ones! And nothing can stand in my way. I've also come to understand that life is hard, and it's not getting any easier, but there is always something positive to take from every situation, good or bad, always something to learn or some new way to grow. It'll be great! My life is inthe Lord's hands, I strive daily to be all that He wants me to be, and do the things that he needs me to do. I love it, it is the best thing I've ever come to understand in my life. Trust in the Lord and everything will work out, and that is what I intend to do. :)


p.s. For anyone one who dares read my blog from time to time, keep in mind that it will be filled with passion and emotion, and the things that I think about during the day... There will be good days and bad days, and that's just life. Much love to all!!

Nichole