So.... I think Ive set a record for getting distracted.... I totally started this post like 2 months ago, and got distracted, and it's just a testament of my inability to be a blogger because I sat down today to finish it. HA. And let me just say, as the kind of person who laughs at their own jokes, this is some good stuff. CAUTION: This gets REAL near the end.
So I think that there are maybe like 7 people on the planet that read people's personal blogs anymore, but I could be wrong. I seem to gravitate back to mine when I have complaining to do and no one to listen because for some reason the 7,250 random blog views clearly means that 7,250 random strangers are strangely content reading me complain (because "listen to me complain" seemed out of place here). Yes, I realize that my assumption that I have a 7,250 person following (I'm sure there's a fan club somewhere) are viewing my blog would actually mean that there are more than 7 people reading it. I also realize that my number pales in comparison to most, but I don't need you to tell me that, I need you to let me wallow in my glorious ignorance to that fact, in fact if you feel like saying anything, I need you to feed the flame, and encourage this particular ignorance. Thanks for that.
I think I've been played. I think somewhere on my diploma, under the mumbo jumbo about my intelligence and dazzling achievements at my university, was some fine print. I mean doesn't everyone ignore the fine print? I swear fine print will be my downfall someday. Oh wait, that's where this is headed. Anyway. The fine print. Somewhere under all of my glorious achievements and some distracting shiny and curly letters, is said:
*JK sucker, you'll be back
AND wouldn't you know it, here I am. I mean it was mostly an awesome time while I was here. MOSTLY. Like, 87% of it was fantastic, and then it just sucked towards the end. But you know I was trying to think of a metaphor. For some reason I kept thinking it's like a colonoscopy. BUT I've never had one of those, so I'm not really authorized to make that kind of metaphor. So instead I googled it things enjoyed that you wouldn't do again... the results were economics, jazz music and dating for grownups.... who knew? Then a googled "is a colonoscopy fun" annnnnnd you should probably take my advise and never make that mistake... although I'm sure I'm one of the very few humans in existance that would google that, and as it turns out, apparently some people do indeed enjoy them.
And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.
ANYWAY
Rexburg. It's not so much like a colonoscopy as it is and ex. Everything was awesome except for that relationship detroying moment of not awesome that, well, destroyed the relationship. And then you blame said ex for problems that they may or may not have had anything to do with for however long you need to.
I got distracted and lost my train of thought on this post like half an hour ago
An open letter to Rexburg,
Dear Rexburg. I'm sorry that I blame you for my problems. Even though, moving here is the reason I'm completely broke, and even though money doesn't buy happiness, it sure does help with things like food, security and peace of mind that I won't be living on the streets and starving come January. Dramatic? Yes, yes it is. If you're homeless they just kick you out of school and if that happens we head home. (insert 2 month distraction here) But that isn't the point here. And to be completely honest with myself and whoever get's bored enough to read this, I don't remember the point that I was making. But after reading through it, it sounds like the memories I have of Rexburg sound like a bad break up with a gastroenterologist.
CAUTION: If you aren't in the mood to get real, don't continue past this point. You've been warned.
Anyway. Moving on. Some months have past. My life is not how I would have expected at this point. I go back and forth between hating it here, and not so much hating it here, and on rare occasion, thinking to myself that this could be a good thing. There are far to many detailed factors for each of these scenarios so I won't get into it, because let's face it, I'm not quite that dedicated and just a tad too lazy. And really we all know I'll probably do it anyway. I mean long story short, it's been really hard. To move away from the life I made for myself and come back here.... here is where I literally watched my life crumble into pieces, here is where my heart shattered in places that I still haven't found a way to fix, here, in this place, I gave my everything, only to be crushed, and burned. There are so many things that I could say about the terrible things that happened to me, the last time that I lived here, and it's easy to remember those moments of destruction. But what I forget, is how much I grew and changed after the fact. Somewhere amidst those trials I lost a bit of myself, and can honestly say I almost lost my way a bit. I try so so hard not too, but sometimes it's hard to see through the fog of life. That's why we look for the light, right? Because we didn't come here with ability to see through the fog... we need a light... It's weird how I dealt with everything that happened. And I clearly have a lot more work to do. Getting over things is so... involved... and... complicated. Right in the middle of all of the worst of it, was probably the strongest I've ever been, and the most I've ever relied on the Lord. But as the worst parts started becoming the past, that's when I started really experiencing the emotional fallout, and when I lost track of myself a bit, and lost the ability to see myself with any of the clarity that I'd found after many years of battling my self esteem. It's hard to look back and remember the person I was before everything... part of me wishes I still had some of her confidence. It's amazing what emotional damage can do to someone, the things that it can take from them. I just read through a post from that year and it didn't even sound like me! It was so... strong, and lately I don't feel strong, and humble, and insightful and full of light and comfort, in some of my darkest times. It has been an interesting few weeks, and some things have happened. Last night I had an experience, that really, really made me think, and in some unexplainable way reminded me of who I have the potential to be. That and then reading some of my thoughts from my hardest times, I was reminded of how much stronger I am than I've been letting myself be. I've forgotten how strong I can be, especially when I am focused on the right things. I've learned over the past like, 8 years, that I can handle some really crazy stuff, and that I can still come out on top. Things far worse than anything that seems terrible right now. I've experienced things that I have watched break other people, in the worst ways. I have watched other people walk away from the same situations and completely lose themselves and in some ways self destruct. Thank you for helping me remember that. Oh hey look, I'm being vague again. It's like my thing ;). But there was definitely someone who helped me remember.
Don't get me wrong, things still seem hard, and some days I still am not sure how I'm going to get through some of this, and although I never completely lost my hope, I'm seeing it more clearly today. I'm a fighter, I always have been, and I'm strong, and I need to force myself to not lose sight of that again.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I made you cry a little, because let's just be honest, you did, and that was real.
