mistakes, not regrets...

       Sometimes writing things down or talking them out helps me understand my thoughts better, and any other perspectives would be helpful, but let's keep it positive and remember that I'm awesome....

       Feeling a bit terrible today (that was a quick change of pace) I don't want to go in to detail, but  let's just say it has to do with trying to make the best decision for yourself when things were tough, but not necessarily handling it well, and inadvertently hurting someone who really cared for you, even though at the time, you didn't really realize that they really did, (that used to happen to me way more than it should)... and feeling like a horrible person when they are the one who decides to apologize years later for things that they really shouldn't even have to apologize for.... and thinking," I was trying to do the right thing, and looking out for myself," but not in the selfish way, in the you have to take care of yourself and not sacrifice your happiness for everyone else, but screwing someone else over in the process... and then I must sadly admit that there was a point later on where in some ways I was just being selfish. This person made an effort to be part of my life again, and came back with nothing but  kindness, that I didn't feel I deserved even before the unnecessary apology. I feel the need and desire to apologize for all that happened, not for things I did wrong, but simply for hurting someone who cared about me more than I realized. But I worry that it will become emotionally overwhelming for all parties involved. I know myself, and I know that if I let this get the best of me even just a little, the guilt, or the hurt, I'll shut down, and push everyone out. I can already feel myself fighting against it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it would if you could be inside my head. I'm not being selfish, or trying to excuse an apology, I just don't want to push everyone out. (Remember when I said before, I wasn't going to go into much detail? Yea, stop believing that...)

        I've only ever told one person the details of this particular story, and don't really wish to be much more specific here and now. They probably wouldn't even be able to connect this post with those details, but that's because this is really very vague, and that is very much on purpose ( and vague comes quite naturally) I consider myself a pretty decent person, (awesome most days) and not a bad friend either when given the chance, but no one is perfect. I can honestly say that my decision took my life in a totally and completely different direction than it might have gone from the time I turned 17, ridiculous amounts of different. I'm talking probably a different college, different state, never meeting any of the people I've met over the past almost 9 years, different friends, different influences and life lessons, maybe not getting married and learning all of THOSE life lessons... or you know, I also could have just ended up where I was supposed to be anyway... except for the part where I may not have even applied for the school I went to had things not gone the direction they did... all in all and without completely knowing, I would say things turned out for the best ( except for the casualties along the way)

       We all go about our days, and our lives, (hopefully) doing our very best, to make the right decisions for ourselves and to be the best we can to others, and sometimes, no matter what you do, people will get hurt along the way, ourselves included. So what do we do? Regret is a waste of time, (harsh?) because every decision that we make and every corner that we turn, gets us to where we are, which is hopefully better than the day before. EVERY experience teaches us something if we let it. And the people doing the opposite of that probably don't care enough to regret, and when those people do come to a turning point, regret is still a waste of time (in my opinion) because how else would they have come to that very place if not for every step they took in the past. I hate admitting that I've made mistakes, or handled something badly (it's one of my few less desirable qualities) but first of all, who hasn't, second of all, we learn from our mistakes but only IF we are willing to admit them, and third, mistakes don't have to be regrets, but it doesn't mean that we can't try to make things better when the opportunity arises. Even though it was partly due to a misinterpretation of intent on my part, I did resolve to be a good friend to people, because I didn't want people to feel like I did. Even though now I understand that those feelings we not anyone's fault, they were due to things that were beyond anyone's control at the time. It's interesting to look back over the years and see how different of a person I am now, and how maybe... hopefully... I'm capable of handling what I couldn't deal with then. I guess we'll see.

    So problem almost solved....or at least understood better. Just have to be careful of the whole closing myself off issue...  And quite possibly it's something that I will never quite be able to explain and that I will always have to fight myself on, a constant uphill battle...

       But maybe those are thoughts for another night, and another post.