Rexburg. Poor. What just happened?.... de ja vu?

    So.... I think Ive set a record for getting distracted.... I totally started this post like 2 months ago, and got distracted, and it's just a testament of my inability to be a blogger because I sat down today to finish it. HA. And let me just say, as the kind of person who laughs at their own jokes, this is some good stuff. CAUTION: This gets REAL near the end.
 
   So I think that there are maybe like 7 people on the planet that read people's personal blogs anymore, but I could be wrong. I seem to gravitate back to mine when I have complaining to do and no one to listen because for some reason the 7,250 random blog views clearly means that 7,250 random strangers are strangely content reading me complain (because "listen to me complain" seemed out of place here). Yes, I realize that my assumption that I have a 7,250 person following (I'm sure there's a fan club somewhere) are viewing my blog would actually mean that there are more than 7 people reading it. I also realize that my number pales in comparison to most, but I don't need you to tell me that, I need you to let me wallow in my glorious ignorance to that fact, in fact if you feel like saying anything, I need you to feed the flame, and encourage this particular ignorance. Thanks for that.
    I think I've been played. I think somewhere on my diploma, under the mumbo jumbo about my intelligence and dazzling achievements at my university, was some fine print. I mean doesn't everyone ignore the fine print? I swear fine print will be my downfall someday. Oh wait, that's where this is headed. Anyway. The fine print. Somewhere under all of my glorious achievements and some distracting shiny and curly letters, is said:

*JK sucker, you'll be back

   AND wouldn't you know it, here I am. I mean it was mostly an awesome time while I was here. MOSTLY. Like, 87% of it was fantastic, and then it just sucked towards the end. But you know I was trying to think of a metaphor. For some reason I kept thinking it's like a colonoscopy. BUT I've never had one of those, so I'm not really authorized to make that kind of metaphor. So instead I googled it things enjoyed that you wouldn't do again... the results were economics, jazz music and dating for grownups.... who knew? Then a googled "is a colonoscopy fun" annnnnnd you should probably take my advise and never make that mistake... although I'm sure I'm one of the very few humans in existance that would google that, and as it turns out, apparently some people do indeed enjoy them.
   And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.

ANYWAY

Rexburg. It's not so much like a colonoscopy as it is and ex. Everything was awesome except for that relationship detroying moment of not awesome that, well, destroyed the relationship. And then you blame said ex for problems that they may or may not have had anything to do with for however long you need to.

I got distracted and lost my train of thought on this post like half an hour ago

An open letter to Rexburg,

Dear Rexburg. I'm sorry that I blame you for my problems. Even though, moving here is the reason I'm completely broke, and even though money doesn't buy happiness, it sure does help with things like food, security and peace of mind that I won't be living on the streets and starving come January. Dramatic? Yes, yes it is. If you're homeless they just kick you out of school and if that happens we head home. (insert 2 month distraction here) But that isn't the point here. And to be completely honest with myself and whoever get's bored enough to read this, I don't remember the point that I was making. But after reading through it, it sounds like the memories I have of Rexburg sound like a bad break up with a gastroenterologist.

CAUTION: If you aren't in the mood to get real, don't continue past this point. You've been warned.
   Anyway. Moving on. Some months have past. My life is not how I would have expected at this point. I go back and forth between hating it here, and not so much hating it here, and on rare occasion, thinking to myself that this could be a good thing. There are far to many detailed factors for each of these scenarios so I won't get into it, because let's face it, I'm not quite that dedicated and just a tad too lazy. And really we all know I'll probably do it anyway. I mean long story short, it's been really hard. To move away from the life I made for myself and come back here.... here is where I literally watched my life crumble into pieces, here is where my heart shattered in places that I still haven't found a way to fix, here, in this place, I gave my everything, only to be crushed, and burned. There are so many things that I could say about the terrible things that happened to me, the last time that I lived here, and it's easy to remember those moments of destruction. But what I forget, is how much I grew and changed after the fact. Somewhere amidst those trials I lost a bit of myself, and can honestly say I almost lost my way a bit. I try so so hard not too, but sometimes it's hard to see through the fog of life. That's why we look for the light, right? Because we didn't come here with ability to see through the fog... we need a light... It's weird how I dealt with everything that happened. And I clearly have a lot more work to do. Getting over things is so... involved... and... complicated. Right in the middle of all of the worst of it, was probably the strongest I've ever been, and the most I've ever relied on the Lord. But as the worst parts started becoming the past, that's when I started really experiencing the emotional fallout, and when I lost track of myself a bit, and lost the ability to see myself with any of the clarity that I'd found after many years of battling my self esteem. It's hard to look back and remember the person I was before everything... part of me wishes I still had some of her confidence. It's amazing what emotional damage can do to someone, the things that it can take from them. I just read through a post from that year and it didn't even sound like me! It was so... strong, and lately I don't feel strong, and humble, and insightful and full of light and comfort, in some of my darkest times. It has been an interesting few weeks, and some things have happened. Last night I had an experience, that really, really made me think, and in some unexplainable way reminded me of who I have the potential to be. That and then reading some of my thoughts from my hardest times, I was reminded of how much stronger I am than I've been letting myself be. I've forgotten how strong I can be, especially when I am focused on the right things. I've learned over the past like, 8 years, that I can handle some really crazy stuff, and that I can still come out on top. Things far worse than anything that seems terrible right now. I've experienced things that I have watched break other people, in the worst ways. I have watched other people walk away from the same situations and completely lose themselves and in some ways self destruct. Thank you for helping me remember that. Oh hey look, I'm being vague again. It's like my thing ;). But there was definitely someone who helped me remember.
   Don't get me wrong, things still seem hard, and some days I still am not sure how I'm going to get through some of this, and although I never completely lost my hope, I'm seeing it more clearly today. I'm a fighter, I always have been, and I'm strong, and I need to force myself to not lose sight of that again.

Thanks for reading. Sorry I made you cry a little, because let's just be honest, you did, and that was real.

LOOK AT THIS!

No seriously... I mean, I know haven't been on my blog in JUST OVER A YEAR. And potentially skipping out for a year and then showing up out of nowhere demanding your attention, may not be taken well. But I'll take my chances. Anyway, no need to be concerned, it's just been a busy year. You can blame my husband... because from the looks of it I totally forgot my blog existed just days after meeting him. So we can attribute my absence to that. That and lets be honest, I generally forget about it for months on end anyway. And there is a a good chance that now that I've remembered that I have a vlog, I'll be back with updates in... well... less than a year!

NOW

LOOK AT THIS

TinyGiant Design!!

I hope that looks like a link to a different webpage, and I hope that when you click it (because I know you will, just for me) it takes you to another page!! Yes, I am redirecting you AWAY FROM MY PAGE!! Which means it must be pretty fantastic, because we all know how much I desire all of the attention. So take a look. My dear friend has just started a business selling handmade quilts! And she really does make some wonderful and adorable quilts. So give it a look, place an order, make a request and SHARE WITH ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!!

Thanks for your time.

And in upcoming news, I have plans to start a business soon as well. Although it's currently just a thought, and if it goes anything like my blogging career, it will clearly take some time.

Don't worry, I have every intention of coming back soon with life updates.

If you look over here -------------------------------------------->

...there is even a picture from my wedding day.... 7 months later... and probably the first one I myself have put online.

Which again, doesn't seem like a good sign for my business plans.... so fingers crossed.

Interesting

My life just keeps getting more and ore interesting... and exciting :) I feel like writing this big huge long fantastic post about all the things that are going on right now, BUT I will spare you... because I just worked for 16 hours and took sleepytime drugs when I got home... Do you would probably all go blind trying to read anything more than what I manage to type in these brief minutes.

Currently, life is super fantastic! I have my fingers crossed and pretty much all of my appendages crossed that it stays super fantastic. The forecast is showing a bunch of AWESOME headed my way, but I may have to endure a few storms and stumbles first... but I think it will be worth it... and if none of this really makes sense to you right now.... THAT IS OK... because I don't really understand much of it either at this point and I'm sure a better post with some beautiful details will come in time and not drugged after a 16 hour day. The end.


p.s. I just noticed that this is my SECOND post IN THE SAME MONTH! Ladies and gentlemen, we have made progress in the blogging area of life!!

Surviving Adulthood? mostly?

Well as per usual it's been about three months so I remember I have a blog. That I sometimes write in, and today is the day for writing in. Mostly because I am sick and bored, which means I have nothing better to do than complain to anyone that will listen, or read.
    Here's the thing... I don't get sick... ever. I never get sick Sure I get injured a lot. Injured frequently and probably lucky that I haven't been forced to live in a human size impenetrable bubble. But sick doesn't happen. So this is a bit weird. I don't like it at all. I think I'm dying. I spent the better part of yesterday yelling loudly from my secluded spot in the house about how I was dying and how things were getting dark, but I could see a light at the end of the tunnel etc. Roomie just rolled her eyes and told me time and time again that I'm was not, in fact, dying... after which I would grumble some more about being sick and dying and quiet down for a few minutes. I haven't been crying out in agony quite as much today because roomie's family is visiting, and they are not used to my dramatic and verbal views on sickness, and I'm trying to be well behaved... Roomie just brought me some toaster strudels... Pardon me while i devour them. Roomie made me some toaster strudels because I finished my healthy smoothy. That sounds a bit ridiculous, but nicely transitions us to my next point(s), and by points, I mean discoveries... or really just this all encompassing one...

I'm bad at being a grown up

   Don't worry, I'm not upset. We all have different and special talents, and this is clearly not one of mine. I'm plenty good at lots of other things, but this one, this one escapes me like a monkey covered in butter chasing the banana truck. And yes, that really was the first thing that came to my mind while trying to describe my complete and utter failure at grownupness. And the fact that I just mushed "grownupness" in to a word, should be proof enough. But I'll continue anyway. At least until I get bored of this.
   Lets start with the part where people keep sending me things in the mail that I don't want. When roomie says "I'm checking the mail" I have the strong desire to crawl under the bed and curl up into the fetal position, eyes closed, ears covered and completely hidden from what horrors may be coming. At that point things can go either way. The end result is either a small victory celebration that at least for today, there is not mail. The alternative is moaning and wailing and possibly crying as I tear open the envelope of death and hoping that maybe the paper cuts will destroy me before I reach what's inside. And then once it's open I will often do one of 3 things 1. call my dad and ask him explain 2. ask roomie to explain 3. cry. There have been times when all three plans have been executed.... those were rough days. As a kid, and even through college, the coming of the mail was a wonderful and glorious things that was filled with hope. Adulthood has turned into a bleak anxietyfest. And after all of my dramatic acting out due to mail, everything usually ends up being worked out. But that's not the point. The point makes more sense when I finish the story by saying "and then I set the mail down and it disappeared" and then I found it and it needed an immediate response... two weeks ago.
    Now lets get back to the sick thing. Hi I'm Nichole and I'm a supposed grownup. I'm sick, this is how it goes down...
1. Buy several different medications and take them all until I get better.
2. Roomie finds out I'm taking all the drugs together and makes me check labels so I don't die, or roomie hides them because I can't be bothered with measuring the amount I'm taking
3. Go to the store for supplies, and come back with ice cream and pizza
4. Make a second trip to the grocery store the next morning with instructions from roomie for the rest of the weekend. Manage to follow instructions, but still bring home more pizza and ice cream as well, toaster strudels and chicken noodle soup with fun shapes (because who really likes boring noodles)
5. Apparently toaster strudels and ice cream don't help you get better. Eat spinach but somewhat against my will, except not.
   *side note: roomie is EXCELLENT, and the point of above list is simply to exemplify my almost inability to be a real grown up, roomie has been extremely helpful through my current and ongoing rehabilitation. 

I don't think I've missed any bill payments yet, but that is because most of them are electronic or automatic, and we can thank technology for making my adult life that much easier. Also I'm not getting bored of writing. There is a very real chance of a part 2, especially since that's not even half the reasons... but it may take a few months for me to feel like writing anything again. Especially when I'm no longer self-exiled/confined to this chair.



 

....A BREAK??....

     Do I dare say that I'm finally getting a bit of a break? Do I dare think about how things are going so well? Is that safe? Have I jinxed it just by thinking it and typing that very word "break" in to a sentence? Let me tell you about how long it has been since I've felt like I had a break. It's been a while, haha. NOT that my life hasn't always been good. I've got it good, except for the inevitable TRAGEDIES that strike like lightning one after another leaving the valley of my life engulfed in flames that burn and blacken everything in their path!! Oh, I'm sorry, was that a bit dramatic? WELL, later when they make a trilogy about the story of my life, in theaters, in 3D, you will understand how underplayed my description is.
     But lately I have noticed that the flames have died down and I'm not running around with my pants on fire. Sure there are financial woes and you know the day to day stuff, but those always seem to work out. Well, fingers crossed about the financial stuff. Since my birthday is in 2.5 weeks that also means it is time for a new licence, licence plates, car insurance, state inspection, registration, fixing the things that don't pass inspection, new windshield.... not to mention the new tires I already had to pay for, and health insurance, rent, etc. etc. So... haha.... fingers crossed on that one. BUT back to the point of my thought. It is that for the first time in a very long time (and I'm sure I'm jinxing it as I type this) there are no catastrophes to worry about.... so weird. I won't go on and list all the things in the past several years that have been difficult. But I'm sure if you are reading this, you probably already have an idea. And I'm scared to even think it, but things are so good right now! I have an awesome job that I really enjoy, and although it is not in the field I hope to be in someday, it is quite fulfilling, as far as I can tell, they like me there. I've been able to voluntarily pick up overtime (which wasn't an option at my last job, it was mandatory) I live close enough to my family to visit often but still be doing my own thing. I'm working on myself these days, for example I've lost 20lbs, a feat that I have never managed to accomplish, but somehow, I am working my way down. I have awesome roommates who have become... or... re-become very close friends. And to top it all off I'm nicely moving on from divorce. Not necessarily looking for anything right now, just enjoying the ride and being ready for when love does come my way again someday. Trying some more natural ways of coping with my ADHD. I have a fancy necklace that is supposed to help and I'm looking into essential oils because I hear they work wonders, AND won't be nearly as potentially bad as the stimulants. So fingers crossed that that all works out.
     All in all, things are quite good these days. I'm soooo getting back to a good place, with lots of help and support :) of course. Don't know what's to come, but it's gotta be better. There are big things out there for me and I'm pretty excited about life. Peace out.

mistakes, not regrets...

       Sometimes writing things down or talking them out helps me understand my thoughts better, and any other perspectives would be helpful, but let's keep it positive and remember that I'm awesome....

       Feeling a bit terrible today (that was a quick change of pace) I don't want to go in to detail, but  let's just say it has to do with trying to make the best decision for yourself when things were tough, but not necessarily handling it well, and inadvertently hurting someone who really cared for you, even though at the time, you didn't really realize that they really did, (that used to happen to me way more than it should)... and feeling like a horrible person when they are the one who decides to apologize years later for things that they really shouldn't even have to apologize for.... and thinking," I was trying to do the right thing, and looking out for myself," but not in the selfish way, in the you have to take care of yourself and not sacrifice your happiness for everyone else, but screwing someone else over in the process... and then I must sadly admit that there was a point later on where in some ways I was just being selfish. This person made an effort to be part of my life again, and came back with nothing but  kindness, that I didn't feel I deserved even before the unnecessary apology. I feel the need and desire to apologize for all that happened, not for things I did wrong, but simply for hurting someone who cared about me more than I realized. But I worry that it will become emotionally overwhelming for all parties involved. I know myself, and I know that if I let this get the best of me even just a little, the guilt, or the hurt, I'll shut down, and push everyone out. I can already feel myself fighting against it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it would if you could be inside my head. I'm not being selfish, or trying to excuse an apology, I just don't want to push everyone out. (Remember when I said before, I wasn't going to go into much detail? Yea, stop believing that...)

        I've only ever told one person the details of this particular story, and don't really wish to be much more specific here and now. They probably wouldn't even be able to connect this post with those details, but that's because this is really very vague, and that is very much on purpose ( and vague comes quite naturally) I consider myself a pretty decent person, (awesome most days) and not a bad friend either when given the chance, but no one is perfect. I can honestly say that my decision took my life in a totally and completely different direction than it might have gone from the time I turned 17, ridiculous amounts of different. I'm talking probably a different college, different state, never meeting any of the people I've met over the past almost 9 years, different friends, different influences and life lessons, maybe not getting married and learning all of THOSE life lessons... or you know, I also could have just ended up where I was supposed to be anyway... except for the part where I may not have even applied for the school I went to had things not gone the direction they did... all in all and without completely knowing, I would say things turned out for the best ( except for the casualties along the way)

       We all go about our days, and our lives, (hopefully) doing our very best, to make the right decisions for ourselves and to be the best we can to others, and sometimes, no matter what you do, people will get hurt along the way, ourselves included. So what do we do? Regret is a waste of time, (harsh?) because every decision that we make and every corner that we turn, gets us to where we are, which is hopefully better than the day before. EVERY experience teaches us something if we let it. And the people doing the opposite of that probably don't care enough to regret, and when those people do come to a turning point, regret is still a waste of time (in my opinion) because how else would they have come to that very place if not for every step they took in the past. I hate admitting that I've made mistakes, or handled something badly (it's one of my few less desirable qualities) but first of all, who hasn't, second of all, we learn from our mistakes but only IF we are willing to admit them, and third, mistakes don't have to be regrets, but it doesn't mean that we can't try to make things better when the opportunity arises. Even though it was partly due to a misinterpretation of intent on my part, I did resolve to be a good friend to people, because I didn't want people to feel like I did. Even though now I understand that those feelings we not anyone's fault, they were due to things that were beyond anyone's control at the time. It's interesting to look back over the years and see how different of a person I am now, and how maybe... hopefully... I'm capable of handling what I couldn't deal with then. I guess we'll see.

    So problem almost solved....or at least understood better. Just have to be careful of the whole closing myself off issue...  And quite possibly it's something that I will never quite be able to explain and that I will always have to fight myself on, a constant uphill battle...

       But maybe those are thoughts for another night, and another post.

Wondering

Although this might look like my second post tonight, it is not. It's one that I wrote a week or so ago, and justdecided to publish it. So yes, there are two today, posted within minutes of each other, but I'm not insane, now read on if you must...

Warning: this post may be emotionally unsettling/sad... i'm still not even sure if i will post it publicly... Sometimes these days, I look around and I wonder. I wonder how my life got to where it is now. I never really think it through too much because then I think my head would explode. A little over a week ago a friend asked me if I was still writing songs. I was sad when I thought about it, and had to say that it's been a while since I wrote one. I was thinking about it, and I think that I just haven't been able find the words to express how I feel about everything lately. There's just too much emotion involved, emotions that either I've already moved past, and want to keep them that way, or that I just haven't processed yet. It's like there aren't words, at least not yet. Apparently I am no TSWIFT and haven't yet been able to destroy my last relationship by way of a song... But I did go looking through some of the old songs I've written, (partly because I was unpacking them) and found one that I wrote about him, well him and me and how even though I wanted too, I don't easily trust people... at all. In fact I'm almost positive that the first serious conversation we had was when I told him just that. That I had a really hard time trusting people and that I was very, very protective of my heart, and my trust is not something that people get easily, there are very few people that I trust completely, but we won't get into all of that just now. While reading through it, I briefly wondered if part of me was trying so hard to let myself trust him that I didn't see some of the reasons that maybe I shouldn't have anyway... I still know that everything that happened, happened the way that it was supposed too, but it still makes me look back and wonder. What does it really mean to trust someone anyway, why is it so hard for me to trust, does anyone really truly, completely trust. I guess you would have to in some situations. I want to say that, at least in some ways, I did end up trusting him. I trusted him enough to marry him, to believe it when he said he loved me, and to put my happiness and future partly in his hands. That's saying something. So maybe at least I know I am capable. I don't know if there is a valuable lesson to be learned here... right now I'm having trouble seeing past the part where he just proved me right on the whole not trusting people thing and as much as I don't want to admit it, I will more than likely have an even harder time trusting people in the future. Wow, that IS unsettling. Looks like I've got some things to work on, and lots of praying and relying on the Lord. That said, it's time for bed. (I totally just rhymed my goodbye, pretend I rapped it to you)